


One Morning

by Fedalfan



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-08-27 04:15:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16695253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fedalfan/pseuds/Fedalfan
Summary: Roger wakes up in a different house





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Loverer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loverer/gifts).
  * Inspired by [return to ithaca](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11960289) by [Eliane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eliane/pseuds/Eliane). 



Inspired by Eliane 's story - Return to Ithaca and an element of Sliding Doors.

In Eliane's story Roger and Rafa are taken out of their lives and put into "normal life". In this story the reverse happens. However this is NOT a match of Eliane's story - there's a different starting point and it's also a Sliding Doors - both of them have given up their careers and are now facing the "might have beens". It was impossible to put ordinary people into Roger and Rafa's lives - it would drive them insane within hours. And I thought it would be more interesting to do it this way!

The story is from Roger's POV. Events and emotions up to the Sampras match are based on Roger's accounts and accounts of people who knew him at the time. After that it's my imagination but I hope its plausible given what we know of him at that time. The exception is Nico character who is imaginary but may have had a real life counterpart. I think Roger does have an acerbic side which you don't see all that often - I've tried to give him circumstances that would naturally bring that out more. Rafa will have a backstory but I haven't tried to write him "as he might have been" in quite this way.

The first chapters seem to have come out more angsty than intended - I'm anticipating it getting more light hearted along the way. I haven't written fiction since leaving school so be kind!

WARNING: Self Harm in Chapter 2 - brief and not graphic.

I hope you find it interesting.

Introduction

 

The light pouring through the window tells Roger he is not going to get the early start at work that he needed. Fuck. What happened to the alarm? He throws off the duvet in his hurry to reach the shower and then shrieks as he feels a thump on his arm. Who?? He turns to see Mirka pulling the duvet back around herself.

Mirka? Mirka?? What the hell happened last night???

He remembers coming round to see the kids at her new place and opening a bottle to celebrate, did he have more than he intended, oh God, he must have had much more. This is bad, he and Mirka have stayed on good, actually very good, terms since the divorce but he has no wish to get back together – he is going to hurt her all over again and he can’t even remember how it happened. Mirka smiles at him sleepily and then sits up,

“Are you OK, you look like you’ve just found out Novak won another slam!”

Roger snorts, the irritation of that name a momentary distraction. “Hardly matters, he has the slam record now anyway”. Mirka looks puzzled. “He’s still a long way off….” but the sound of the phone cuts her off. Glad of the distraction (although he doesn’t remember changing the ringtone – is he going senile or something?), Roger picks up.

A torrent of American English, startlingly loud.

“Rog, sorry to call so early but I really need an answer on the Saudi exhibition thing. I still think it’s a bad idea, are you happy for me to knock it on the head? And there’s a change of date on the filming for Barrillo – I’ve put it on the calendar….” The call is doing nothing to ease Roger’s confusion .

“Ermm, I think you have the wrong number?”

There is a pause then a laugh

“Good one Roger, and while I’ve got you, are we going with March for the Academy visit?”

Roger tries to interrupt the flow.

“No sorry, you really have got the wrong number – I am called Roger but I have no idea what you’re talking about”.

There is another pause. “I don’t understand...OK…I must have… you do sound exactly like Roger Federer but you must get sick of people saying that. Sorry to have disturbed you.”

The call ends and Roger stares at the phone as if somehow that will provide him with the answers he is seeking. Besides him, Mirka is looking at him as though he’s insane, which in the circumstances is probably justified. She is distracted by the familiar sound of Leo and Lenny screaming insults at Myla and Charlene. “I’ll go and stop them killing each other - at least they’re not barging in here at 5 o clock anymore.” Roger can only be extremely thankful for that – the last thing he wants to do is raise their hopes…

Thank God, he is alone. He looks around the bedroom. Christ, it’s enormous – how can it be so big compared to the kids’ rooms which they’d shown him so excitedly last night? He turns to practicalities and picks up the phone. What happened to his contacts – he doesn’t know these names… He realises he must have picked up Mirka’s phone – doesn't matter, he knows the number anyway…..

“Durkheim Associates” Roger smiles as he hears Marta’s voice, “Hi, Marta, it’s Roger, can you let Fabian know I’m going to be late for the meeting…I’ve overslept but maybe you could tell him the car wouldn’t start or something?”. Marta’s voice has none of the usual warmth she reserves especially for Roger. “Excuse me, who is this?" Roger frowns, “It’s me Marta, Roger Federer, who do you think it is?” Marta’s voice is no longer cool but now positively angry “I don’t know what sort of game you think you’re playing but I don’t appreciate it. If you try this again I’m going to call the police”. Once again Roger is left staring at his phone. A trickle of anxiety is starting in his stomach, moving up his chest and spreading out to his fingertips.

He pushes it aside as he hears Myla calling him and smiles, he hasn’t seen the kids for over a week and yesterday had been wonderful; or it had been until the part he can’t remember.

“Coming” he calls and heads downstairs. And now the panic starts up in his stomach again because this is not the house he saw last night… fuck, how can Mirka afford this house… the kitchen he eventually walks into feels as large as his whole apartment.

“Papa, are you still taking us to the zoo?”

Myla’s voice is anxious.“You promised”. Roger realises with a start that she is speaking English, something the twins have refused to do since starting school. Charlene adds her voice to the plea whilst even Leo and Lenny take a break from squabbling to listen to his answer.

“Did I promise… but what about school?”

Mirka turns to look at him and there is now no doubt whatsoever that she is questioning his sanity. But Roger is no longer seeing or hearing anything because somehow there he is on the huge TV screen above the piano (why does Mirka have a piano???) seated opposite a young reporter who is looking at him as if she’s seen God.

“Roger, I’m sure your fans are longing to know, there are no imminent retirement plans are there?”

TV Roger smiles benignly “Like I’ve always said, so long as I’m enjoying myself and my wife and family are happy, why would I stop? You’re a long time retired you know…”

The interviewer laughs as if that’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard

“Oh, that’s wonderful, and last question, how do you feel when people call you the GOAT?” TV Roger looks down at his hands and real Roger knows, with a terrifying certainty, that he is about to say something completely fake.

“Well, of course, it’s wonderful that people say that but there are so many great players and just to be counted amongst them – that’s enough for me”

The interviewer simpers again, completely taken in by this obvious bullshit (how often the real Roger has seen that – his charm has been an enormous asset in his very successful business career) and the screen switches back to the main news. But Roger can no longer stay, his need to get out of this room is overwhelming and he heads blindly for the bedroom, collapsing to the floor and rocking back and forth, arms around his knees, sickness overwhelming him. He is insane, there is no other explanation and he has no idea how this has happened.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger's tennis career (alternative version)

It is there that Mirka finds him and as if her look of complete bewilderment had not been bad enough, the plain anxiety on her face is even worse. She puts her hand on his shoulder.

“Roger, you probably don’t even want me in here just now but I have to” she seems to be struggling to find the words “make sure you’re OK?”

Her voice trails off and Roger wants to give her some reassurance but no words emerge from his throat, he cannot formulate a sentence that would mean anything. He hears Mylas’s voice again and words emerge

“I don’t think I can take them to the zoo, I’m sorry…I just…”

“No, no, don’t worry, I’ll sort something out” She smiles wryly “At least without us around they’ll feel less like zoo exhibits themselves.” She pauses as she sees his face

“Can I get you coffee? So I don’t feel completely useless?”

Roger nods gratefully, coffee actually would be very good right now. As if having an everyday thought stirs something within him he realises what he needs.

“Mirka, do you happen to know where my laptop is? I can’t seem to find it”.

He senses her relief at this small move towards normality. When she has gone Roger moves from the floor and sits on the edge of the bed. He needs to start focussing….

 Two hours later (and feeling like he will never drink coffee again, Mirka obviously having decided it held the cure to everything) Roger closes the laptop. Nothing really makes sense still but somehow the effort to find an explanation has calmed his mind – he no longer feels as if he is a step away from losing it completely. He had googled himself of course and the flood of hits, photos, videos was beyond anything he could have imagined, it is too overwhelming to stay there for more than a few minutes but he can see he has had a successful tennis career in this new reality and he confirms that he is still (as far as he can see happily) married to Mirka. This almost comes as a relief, he does not like the thought of being alone in this strange world without the comfort of her familiar presence.

His research into his condition has left him with more questions than answers, he could be part of some kind of time vortex which has taken him to a parallel universe (this seems rather complicated – he always was terrible at physics, although turning up for the lessons might have helped), he may be in a coma in some nearby hospital or he could be suffering from a psychotic delusion. This latter possibility seems more prosaic, and therefore more likely, so he focuses his research on this but still he shrinks from the idea of a psychiatrist, too many people in his past have questioned his mentality for him to like the idea of someone poking around in his mind. There are other things to try first.

 Tennis is the obvious connection between this new reality and his real life and the answers must lie there. It is a long time since he has really thought seriously about tennis. He had tried joining a local club a couple of years after leaving the pro game but it had been useless, he had been simultaneously disgusted with his own game and far too good to play anyone there, no-one liked being beaten 6-0, 6-0. He didn’t want to hire a hitting partner – what if any of them remembered him as Switzerland’s lost great hope? So he had taken up running for fitness and played football and basketball when asked, which was often. He does not want to remember but if the answer is to be found in his memories then he must.

His professional life had started with such optimism, his success at Junior level temporarily silencing those who had always said he was too undisciplined and highly strung to get anywhere in the game. It was harder than he thought – he always seemed to be up against hardened journeymen without an ounce of his talent who enjoyed watching him have a tantrum and throw away a string of points. These players did not care about playing the perfect point, he suspected they did not always care about winning, but they needed to keep themselves on the road and if that involved taking down the cocky new kid on the block, well that was an added bonus. Roger had always felt he was heading for greatness – he remembers telling his dickhead of a former trainer after yet another stupid wisecrack about his nose “When I’m No 1 in the world no-one will care about the size of my nose” - but his dreams had not really prepared him for this. He makes good progress up the rankings but it never feels like enough. He had felt that other players were luckier than him somehow and he can see now that this negativity was gradually wearing him down. Yet he still cannot give up, he wants not only to win but also to see the strokes that exist in his mind flowing from his racket and over the net. Mirka seems to change everything - her dedication and no-nonsense work ethic give him new energy – he gets a firmer grip on his temper and begins to work with more focus.

 His move up the rankings accelerates and when his big chance at Wimbledon comes he feels ready to show the world what he can do. Perhaps only he really believes he can win but with two match points he is already celebrating. Nico’s taunts (his chief tormentor at Ecublens) are about to be pushed back in his face. Then he sends what should be an easy forehand into the net, Sampras serves down an ace and soon the crowd which should have been cheering the conqueror is cheering in sympathy for the loser. He does not hear Sampras’s words which are no doubt kind, he is concentrating only on holding back his sobs, (the sound of Nico’s imagined laughter as he watches Roger cry like a baby on Centre Court proves unexpectedly helpful here) and then it’s the torture of the press conference and interviews. It’s hard to say much in the face of the patronising comments “You did amazingly” but he stammers out a few words and it’s enough- they probably assume his English is worse than it is.

He returns to the tiny apartment he is sharing with Mirka and Peter but he cannot face those he has let down the most and pleads to be left alone. Not just alone in his room, alone in the flat, he needs to know he will not be heard. It is a relief when they have gone and he can finally sink to the floor, rocking back and forth, arms around his knees but the needed tears refuse to come. He did not do amazingly – the match was there in his hands - a forehand he could have hit in his sleep. He had failed at the vital moment as everyone had said he would – he had shut out their voices for a long time but they have never gone away and they are enjoying their triumph now.

He realises that there is a bottle of wine sitting on the table – probably a present from Peter– and if he had not been such a fucking failure he would have been raising a glass now as his family cheered, knowing that he had proved himself and that he was on his way. The drink can still serve a purpose though, he grabs the bottle and heads to the kitchen. He can’t find a corkscrew and slams the drawer in frustration. The bottle is too close to the edge, he cannot stop the fall and the promise of temporary release from his torment is gone. He tries to clear up the mess, wincing as a tiny sliver of glass gets caught in his hand. The pain is a welcome distraction but it only holds back the memories for a moment, in desperation he grabs a piece of the broken glass and slashes it down his forearm. The agony does indeed drive out thoughts of the match but he also registers that he is serious trouble.

 The nurse at the hospital is calmly professional as she puts in the stitches although it seems unlikely that she believes Roger’s unconvincing explanation. Surprisingly, his family and coach accept it, he suspects they do not want to think about it too hard and this is both a relief and a disappointment. Mirka looks troubled and he senses she wants to talk but he cannot, he needs to put it behind him. But things are never the same after that. Perhaps if the bottle had not been there, if he had just kicked the door instead, he might have recovered but the scar is a constant reminder and he becomes afraid of his own emotions, afraid of what he might do to himself. He is fine when he can win a match easily but in the tough ones he cannot commit himself fully, always protecting himself against disappointment and its aftermath. His ranking slips and he knows his fellow pros see him as a soft touch. Peter tells him there’s nothing more he can do to help, so he is now without a coach.

As if this wasn’t enough, he is beginning to be aware that he is possibly not 100% straight. He has no doubts about his feelings for Mirka but he finds himself fantasising more and more even when he is with her. Perhaps these desires have always been there but the thought of what Nico would do to fat nosed German thickie crybaby _gay_ Federer has kept them safely locked away. He finds it hard to relax in the locker room, terrified that someone will find him out. Everything comes to a head in Braunschweig, the slippage in his rankings having taken him down to the Challenger level. Mirka had not been able to come with him and his first round match takes place in front of about five people. To make it worse, his opponent has powerful strokes but the tennis IQ of a weekend player. Roger should be able to dismantle him fairly easily but he can’t seem to find the energy.

If the Sampras defeat had been agony, this one is just depressing. For once he stays in the locker room longer than necessary, unable to face his hotel room and his own thoughts. The player sat opposite him, who he does not recognize, is wearing the strangest tennis shorts he has ever seen, a sort of pink and purple check and he wonders who on earth could think those were a good idea. He realises that he is staring directly at the unknown player’s crotch and he flinches but the guy does not seem offended. In fact, he opens his mouth a little, runs his tongue gently round his teeth and then slowly opens his legs until they are hip width apart. Roger knows, with a sudden burning clarity, that but for the two players getting changed in the far corner, he would be pulling those ridiculous shorts down and filling his mouth with the guy’s cock.

He somehow manages to get back to his hotel room and the tears that would not come after the Sampras match are here now. What kind of husband is he going to be for Mirka, a journeyman pro struggling to pay his expenses, probably one of those who whines constantly that he has more talent than anyone in the Top 10 (and God, he’s met a few of those during his time on tour) and, as a little added extra, a husband who likes screwing other guys on the side. This is not the life he wants for her, this is not the life he wants for himself. He packs his bags, catches the next flight home and tells everyone he is quitting. Most people accept it without much comment (which would be depressing if he allowed himself to think about it), a few try to dissuade him. Severin Luthi tries the hardest, telling him that it will all happen, that he just needs to be patient. He is touched by this but his mind is made up.

 He finds a job as a trainee salesman – his fluency in Europe’s three main languages (at least something good came out of Ecublens) overcoming his lack of qualifications. He turns out to be a natural salesman but he wants more, he studies hard and finds that learning comes more easily to him when he is not distracted by dreams of the perfect shot on championship point. Marco tells him he has become a corporate stooge but he takes it as a compliment to have transformed himself so completely. Marco’s career confirms the rightness of his decision – Marco enjoys the lifestyle, makes a reasonable living and seems content but Roger knows he could not have lived like that. He pays back the money his parents had invested in his tennis career – they do not want it but he is insistent.

When he is safely on the upward path he asks Mirka to marry him and soon they are a family. They rarely quarrel and they are bonded by the children yet somehow they drift apart, they cannot seem to talk about anything that matters. Mirka never watches or discusses tennis but Roger keeps an eye on the major tournaments, as if to prove to himself that it means nothing to him. He is pleased to see Andy Roddick winning a few Wimbledons – he always liked Andy – but other than that he finds it hard to care who wins, none of the players play anything like he once dreamt of playing. Novak Djokovic is the exception. Novak is irritating with his faddy diet, his ice baths and his half baked philosophising but it is not his personality or his game that makes a crack in the shell Roger has built around himself. Novak plays as if every point was his last and celebrates winning as if he would kill his own grandmother if she got in the way yet he is acknowledged as the most gracious loser in the game – he acts as if it is a pleasure to lose to his opponent. How has Novak learnt what Roger could not? How can he play like winning is all that matters and yet not be destroyed by the losing? When he lifts the trophy which gives him his record breaking 15th slam Roger sees an echo of what might have been – Roger has not shed tears since that afternoon in Braunschweig but he feels their presence close by, he switches off the TV and only a punishing extension of his usual run restores his calm.

 Novak’s triumph seems to loosen something inside him. He becomes involved with a married man, Stephane, whose wife has a free and easy approach to her husband’s sexuality and on seeing Roger’s photo even suggests a threesome, an idea which Roger finds unappealing. The affair does not last long, he does not even like Stephane who is arrogant in the way that Roger associates with the Swiss French but after it is over he realises that he longer wants to deny his body. He tells Mirka everything, he does not think she will take the same attitude as Stephane’s wife and she doesn’t. They focus on the children and after the divorce quickly settle into an easygoing friendship, perhaps they are both relieved to have an excuse to bring things to an end.

Two years after the divorce, Roger realises that he is probably more content than he has ever been. He has eased off a little at work to give the children more time but they seem to be thriving, he had always travelled a lot and they probably see as much of him now as they did before. He does not form a new relationship but he does not want one, this is his chance to experience what he missed out on earlier and sex with both men and women is easily found. He sets up a little project offering free advice to charities with their business plans, he helps his first client win a major contract which secures the charity’s future and he likes feeling he is doing good in the world. It is not the life he had dreamt of but it is satisfying and he is proud of it. He does not feel the answer is there. He needs to examine that other life, the life he has so unexpectedly woken to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Braunschweig is a real Challenger tournament although Roger never played there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger investigates his new life

He eventually finds Mirka working in a little office at the back of the house and launches into his prepared speech

“Mirka, I will explain but please, I have to be alone for the afternoon. Could you square it with anyone who might want me?” She waves a hand at him.

“I’ll deal with things, you won’t be disturbed until you give the OK. Do what you need to do. But” and suddenly she looks more like the Mirka he knows. “after that I need to know what’s going on. I give you a lot of leeway but you don’t shut me out. That’s the deal.”

It doesn’t make much sense to Roger but he nods – he has what he needed. He gets some food and settles down in what he assumes is his own office – the bedroom has begun to seem oppressive. The office actually reminds him of his own – and of course, why wouldn’t it? He switches off his phone (is it even his though?) and sets to work.

 He starts by establishing a basic timeline of the other Roger’s career. It seems to be the same as his until the Sampras match, success is not immediate but there’s an upward path until he hits full stride, then the numbers are simply staggering. He realises that this means Nico has seen this accumulation of titles and staggering wealth, the pleasure this gives him is almost worth the morning’s trauma. Probably Nico has spent the last 20 years pretending he was Roger’s closest friend, the _lying little fucker_. But that turns out to be the easy part.

Getting into the detail, trying to find out who this stranger is, this man with his past and his face, this is hard. It’s not too bad the first couple of years, this man feels like someone he recognises, he finds a couple of interviews and yes, this is how he would have been. It’s a shame so many people saw that awful ponytail but it’s no worse than looking at old photos. But after that it gets harder, the crying in Australia in 2006 is just awful and he has no idea why he is wearing that stupid getup at Wimbledon. It doesn’t get any better. He catches a glimpse of Roger’s support team (Severin and Reto he recognises of course- others he doesn’t know) in their RF hats and he nearly has to close down the laptop. The RF logo is everywhere – he starts to think of this man as RF and that helps – it puts a distance between them and he needs that. Somewhere in his mind he knows that Wimbledon 2008 must have been heartbreaking but all he can see is that cardigan. 2009 is worse though. The outfit is the most embarrassing yet ,he doesn’t watch the match but he does the watch the ceremony. By now he is beginning to realise what RF has taken from Andy – the titles, the joy, the feeling of being undisputed No 1 in the world – and there he is saying “I know how you feel” to the man whose career he has destroyed. He hates RF at that moment – couldn’t he have given Andy this one thing that he wanted – that one glorious moment? He knows this is unfair but he can’t help it. After that things are easier – the titles are slowing down but RF seems to be enjoying himself anyway. He searches out anything relevant to the children’s lives but other than that it becomes boring - in interviews RF is asked the same things over and over again - this isn’t RF’s fault but Roger is learning nothing new. Time to move on.

 He selects a couple of Greatest Shots videos (of which there seem to be thousands) and sits back. Some of the early shots he actually remembers and it’s nice to think these are preserved. The tennis he had dreamed of in his head is now out there on the screen – the execution is breathtaking. Is RF still playing tennis? If he is then he is about to retire – Roger cannot go out on a court if this is what people are expecting. After that it’s time to get a grip on RF’s life off the court. The laptop has enough info for him to get a grasp of his business affairs. He doesn’t find anything which suggests dodgy tax issues or other underhand dealings – in fact RF is probably using less of the available allowances than Roger himself. Tony, who is presumably the loud American from the morning phone call and must be RF’s manager, features heavily. Roger can’t find anything suggesting dishonesty from him, but with these amounts it’s hard to care if Tony is raking off more than his due. But reading the emails does give him some useful insight - RF doesn’t have Roger’s business knowledge but he’s sharp, he asks the right questions. He knows what he’s trying to achieve. Based on this Roger would employ him in a moment, he would be as successful as himself; he realises again with a shock that this should not be surprising.

 Enough for now. He has not found an answer to the whys but the way ahead is clear. There is no alternate universe or reality. RF, with his cardigans, his staff, his tears, his giggles, his Mirkas and Tonys arranging his life for him, his tennis from the gods, his adoring fans, RF would not survive the transition to Roger’s world. He would be utterly broken and Roger cannot think of his children being raised by this man. Myla and Charlene will soon have their exams and he is desperate for them to pass for the Gymnasium – he does not want them to struggle as he did.

No, this is reality right here, he must be suffering some kind of delusion and one day Roger will wake to find his real life is back or that he is RF and this will be over. For now he must just live each moment (Christ, is he going to end up sounding like Novak?) as best he can and wait for things to resolve. His children here are his true children and must keep the father they have always known.

 He still has no idea what he might say to Mirka. Looking for a distraction, he takes out his phone, RF’s phone really and looks at the missed calls. Most names he doesn’t recognise but the name Rafa appears quite often.

Rafa?

Of course, Rafa Nadal, his name came up quite often – Jesus, he has missed the blindingly obvious – who on earth is he? He has been so focussed on RF that other players have not registered much except for Andy and one or two others. Stan Wawrinka, who had been the next great Swiss hope after Roger until succumbing to the weight of expectation now seems to have three slams – how had that happened? Stan had done better than Roger, reaching the world’s Top Ten before fading into obscurity, Marco had said he didn’t have the right attitude to take the next step up. Then there’s Novak - he notices that RF does not seem to like Novak any better than Roger himself does.

But Rafa Nadal – he kept seeing the name but without seeing the significance. Roger googles the name quickly and after looking at his record knows it is impossible that he could be unaware of this man’s existence in his real life. There had been a Spanish player who won a few French Opens called Jorge Barrera; Marco had laughed about him once, said he was a sweet guy but neurotic as hell – he had one of those Svengali type coaches that some players went in for. Checking again, he realises that Rafa’s career did not even start until his own was over, how could Roger’s disappearance have been connected to Rafa’s? And here he is trying to get in touch with Roger.

 Without having any idea of how to start this conversation he hits reply.

Hola?

Of course, Spanish. Rafa must speak English though surely. “Hello, err Rafa, this is Roger here, Roger Federer the er..tennis player.” (Of course Rafa must know who he is, he is seriously losing it here) "This is going to sound insane but you called me and I wanted to know…. have we ever met?"

There is a long pause then in softly accented but excellent English comes the reply “No. This is the first time we have ever spoken to each other”

Oh my God

“Do you think?” Roger hesitates. “that we should…that it might be a good idea to meet up?”

No hesitation from the other end. “Yes” says Rafa firmly. “I do”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Swiss education system is highly competitive and children are divided up at the age of 10 or 11. The gymnasium that Roger wants for the twins leads towards university


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two new chapters although the first is more of an introduction to the second.
> 
> I got the feeling people found the earlier chapters a bit unemotional so I've tried to give these a bit more oomf.

The week after his world changed is the most exhausting he has ever experienced. Every morning he wakes up thinking about normal things; his clients, his next holiday, his investors’ meeting and then Mirka’s presence in the bed reminds him, with a sickening jolt that leaves him dizzy, that that world does not exist any more.

The first morning he had lain in bed quietly, gathering strength to tackle the most pressing problems of his new life. He must talk to Mirka and he must find a way not to play tennis. Everything else will have to wait. When Mirka stirs beside him he nudges her to sit up.

“Mirka, about yesterday, I’m sorry I was so out of it, I just got really panicked about everything, not playing tennis any more, the kids growing up, not having a purpose, the whole lot.”

It sounds pretty unconvincing to his own ears and he pleads desperately, silently, for Mirka to buy into it. Judging by her face he has some way to go.

“Is that it? I thought you were happy with what we’d planned? You seemed really positive about it”

Oh God. “I am, I guess it just suddenly hit me what it’s going to mean [Please, please, just pretend you understand…I can’t keep this going…] and I freaked”.

She still looks unconvinced but she leans over and hugs him, murmuring that of course she understands, it’s a big change, they’ll face it together... it’s such a relief to stop talking but the guilt is harsh in his stomach and he’s aware the problems are only just starting.

Compared to this getting out of tennis had been easy. It is very strange to see Severin again (thankfully Ivan is not there) but he keeps their chat businesslike and Seve doesn’t seem to notice anything strikingly different. After a short practice Roger puls up under pretence of a back spasm. For the first time he is glad his back had continued to trouble him in real life because when the doctor arrives he can give him a convincing description of the pain and nudge him into prescribing some rest. The excuse will probably only last a week but he can’t look further ahead than that anyway. Severin looks slightly suspicious when Roger tells him the doctor’s verdict.

“You’re not usually this calm when your back’s playing up. Is there something I should know?”

Roger tries to look more miserable whilst mumbling some excuse and although Seve doesn’t look entirely reassured he lets it pass. Seve was always calm and thoughtful, Roger remembers. He wishes that he could unload everything onto him but how could it seem anything other than insane? The sudden impulse dies.

And so he has a week to try and adjust to his family. He develops a permanent headache trying to not upset Mirka whilst saying as little as possible, he’s aware of the puzzled looks she gives him and it must be he’s said something that doesn’t“fit”. Clearly she isn’t going to tolerate his odd behaviour for ever but for now she seems to be holding fire. Sex, surprisingly, is less of an issue than he expected, it’s much easier than talking and he had never ceased to find her attractive. It’s a slight easing of guilt that he can give her some of the affection and closeness she is presumably used to.

With the children he is relieved beyond measure that they still feel absolutely his despite their unsettling fluency in English and their blissful unconcern with school and the passing of tests. He even sets up a game of “spot Daddy’s mistakes” where they have to tell him when he gets something wrong. “No, Daddy, she’s not called Lisa, she’s called Anya”. They love it and he learns a lot about their lives this way. His children, and his conversations with Rafa, are in fact what is keeping him going.

They have talked a few times on the phone - sticking to practicalities as if they are both afraid they will break down completely if they really talk - yet Rafa plainly shares Roger’s relief in knowing that someone in this world is going through the same thing. Fortunately the promised Academy visit (hastily brought forward because they are both “injured”) gives them an excuse to meet and this will be followed by a private dinner and overnight stay at Rafa’s house. Roger is amazed at how easily his and Rafa’s team put this together at a moment’s notice. He spends most of his free time researching RF’s history with Rafael Nadal but tries not to give himself too many preconceptions about who Rafa will be when he meets him, reminding himself that just as he is not RF so Rafa will not be Nadal. Perhaps they can help each other through this, perhaps Rafa will have some answers, at the very least Roger can say to him “I am Roger” and actually mean it


	5. Chapter 5

The plane is five minutes from the airport and Roger’s mind is tick, tick, ticking with matches, with scores, with break points lost, a whole history involving himself and another man who he is about to meet for the first time. Sister’s name, girlfriend’s name, didn’t RF meet the granny once? What if these people had nicknames? And how will he separate out Rafa from Nadal, as he is hoping Rafa will separate Roger from RF? He has noticed that the man on the phone does not speak English in the same way as the man on the videos, he sounds more American. With a sigh, Roger pushes these thoughts away and runs over the first greeting in his mind, no kiss, brief hug, pat on the back, big smile…….

Then the plane is landing and Roger emerges to be greeted by a man who looks incredibly familiar and yet is a total stranger. They share a brief embrace and quick words

“Hello, Roger, nice to meet you”

“You too” then he is whisked away into a chauffeur-driven car. Rafa does not waste time on formalities.

“Manuel does not speak English, we have a little bit of time. I’m so glad you are here. How are you coping?”

Roger realises he had not mistaken the American tinge in Rafa’s voice.

“OK, I suppose, but it’s not easy” and that seems so inadequate to the situation that he starts laughing. Beside him, Rafa is laughing too

“This is a crazy situation isn’t it? I was so glad when I worked out it must be the same for you. I mean, I don’t want anyone else to feel like I feel but…” he shrugs and looks at Roger, asking him to understand. And of course he does, in fact he feels so much relief at being with someone who does understand that he feels tears prickling his eyes and he can’t speak for a moment. Rafa squeezes his elbow.

“We won’t discuss things now, we need to focus on getting through the day but later we’ll talk properly, yes?”

So they go over the plans for the day until the car arrives at the Academy. Rafa takes a deep breath and opens the car door.

“Ready to be Fedal, Roger?” he says, smiling. Roger smiles back, feeling more at ease than he has done all week. Rafa seems relaxed and confident, they can manage this. “I am. Let’s’ do it”

They start by meeting the staff at the Academy, they all introduce themselves so that’s easy, then there are photos, which are fine and afterwards some coaching sessions with the Academy pupils. Roger repeats some of the advice he remembers being given by his coaches and the kids are so overawed they’re probably not taking much in anyway. Lunch with Rafa’s family and team also goes smoothly. Roger is used to charming his way through social situations – he asks lots of questions and most people are happy to talk about themselves. In fact, Roger begins to enjoy himself, he has studied RF’s mannerisms, his way of talking, it is fun trying these out and watching the response. He notices that Rafa looks a little tense but it’s hard to tell how things are going since he is no longer speaking in English. Still, the day is going well, just the presser to get through then finally, _finally_ , the chance to talk properly and he really can’t wait.

The presser starts off well enough. They have arranged that questions will first go to Roger and then to Rafa; they know the press will find this strange but there is no way he and Rafa can imitate the connection that RF and Nadal were showing at the inauguration and it will be easier not to even attempt it. Roger’s English section is fine, the journalists ask mostly the same questions they always do and he has prepared well; he rattles off the relevant answers with ease and no one seems aware of anything amiss.

Swiss German is a little more difficult because he remembers how the Swiss media had covered him leaving the game – mostly making it clear they had always expected him to fail. It’s hard to tolerate them simpering at him now and he knows he sounds curt. Rene Stauffer (who had not joined in the general gloating) raises an eyebrow at him and Roger tries to soften his tone.

It turns out not to matter because everything is forgotten once the disaster that is Rafa’s presser unfolds. Rafa is clearly trying to speak in Nadal’s English rather than his own which sounds very weird and is probably making it harder for him to focus.

“Well, um yes, obviously the defeat in the Rome Final was difficult for me, um no? After I had the match points, yes, very hard, no?”

He reverses the results of the Australian Finals and for a moment Roger fears he will hear about RF winning the classic Wimbledon Final. It doesn’t look like things are going much better in the Spanish part, by the end the journalists have pretty much given up writing anything down and are looking at each other in amazement. One of Rafa’s staff quickly brings proceedings to an end and then he and Rafa have a muttered conversation in Spanish. The guy looks thoroughly pissed off and Roger suspects that only his own presence is preventing a full blown argument. Eventually Rafa turns away, grabs Roger’s arm and pulls him quickly down the corridor, out of the building and into the waiting car. He gives the driver rapid instructions in Spanish and then throws himself back against the passenger seat.

“Shit, that was a fucking disaster, Benito thinks I’ve gone totally insane. I had to tell him it was a big joke, that you talked me into it”.

Rafa tries to smile but seems close to tears, he’s far from the confident person Roger saw earlier. “I don’t think I can carry on with this, it’s just a nightmare.” It’s clear he’s barely holding himself together. Somehow he reminds Roger of one of his children – he reaches forward instinctively and squeezes Rafa’s hand. Far from being embarrassed, Rafa seems grateful for the contact, he holds on tightly although saying no more until the car reaches its destination.

The house seems to be about the size of RF’s and it’s beautiful – views overlooking the sea and the living room Rafa leads him to is large and cool. Rafa throws himself down on one of the sofas and stretches out.

“God, I’m sorry Roger, that was bad. I feel I’ve let you down, I could see how much work you’d put into it. I tried to learn everything but what do I care about these matches? I never played them, why should I care who won?”

He grimaces and rubs at his eyes, he looks weary and sad. Roger is pleased by the appreciation, Rafa is a considerate person, he thinks.

“ I’ve always had a good memory, it wasn’t hard to learn all that stuff. But you’re right, it’s hard to care about it”.

Rafa nods slowly. “I don’t know how we’re supposed to live like this,” then unexpectedly he laughs “But I’m hoping you’ll be able to tell me the answer. Tell me about yourself. Who are you really?”

So Roger tells him. He keeps it brief but honest, leaving out only the events after the Sampras match. He hadn’t been sure whether to mention his sexuality but it’s such a relief to be talking freely, to say “This is my life, this is who I am” that he decides to be open about it. Rafa gives him a nod and murmurs “likewise” .Roger’s not totally surprised – he’s seen the videos – but it’s good to know. After he’s finished he is relieved but drained – he doesn’t want to discuss anything now and so before Rafa can speak he says “What about you? Who are you? Did you ever play tennis?”

“Oh yes” Rafa replies and there’s a note in his voice that Roger can’t quite pinpoint - bitterness perhaps? “It was my life until I was 17, I had the same dreams as you and I was good, very good”. He pauses and seems to be working out what he wants to say.“ That was not the problem. You have seen Nadal, his rituals, you see how he is?” Roger nods, he couldn’t really have missed them. “I always had my rituals and worries since I was a child but I started feeling like I was going to be a slave to them and not enjoy my life like I should. I told my parents I wanted to change and they got me a therapist. Toni wasn’t happy about it, he thought it would affect my game and he was always on at me about it. The therapist said I should ask my parents and Toni not to do certain things that were making it harder for me but Toni just wouldn’t listen” Rafa stops and it’s clear it’s painful for him to remember but he continues “It was hard but I was making progress. My results were slipping though and Toni just wouldn’t let up on me, eventually it was too much and I stopped seeing the therapist. But things were broken anyway, it felt like my family didn’t care about me, only my tennis. Toni and I fought all the time and eventually he found someone else to mould to his will, someone called Jorge Barrera, you know him?-” Roger nods and he is sure also that he’s not mistaking the bitterness now -“and turned him into a champion. You know he’s a businessman in Majorca now, I should feel guilty about that but I think he was saved a lot of unhappiness”.

There is another long pause but Rafa seems more at ease when he starts again, as if the worst part is over. “It was hard with my family after that, I was angry and I wanted to get away from them and away from tennis. I went to a relative in America and I liked it there. I worked very hard to make the rituals no longer part of my life, otherwise what was the point? I went to college and got a job, it was fun but I still missed my home and that’s why I came back. I met up with Mary again, I’d always liked her and we’ve been married for a few years now. We run a hotel and restaurant and I have a small business taking tourists out on boat trips. I’m happy with my life and I want it back. I know this should be a perfect life – I’m rich and famous and successful but what’s the point when I didn’t earn it and I have to pretend all the time?”

There is no answer to that and Roger doesn’t attempt to give him one. Rafa’s story seems sadder than his own – whatever mistakes Roger made they were his choices; Rafa was let down by those closest to him.

“How is it with your family now?” he asks cautiously, worried that he’s being too intrusive,.Rafa frowns and thinks a while before answering. “Not easy. You know, when I was trying to find out about my past, I found an interview with Toni saying how he wanted me to give up my rituals, like it was all my fault I still had them, it’s hard not to be angry about that. And Mary…” he pauses again. “She knows I like men too, thank God, but there are other issues…” He seems afraid of saying too much and instead changes the subject

“And your Mirka, she knows?”

The question bites at Roger “I don’t know, I’m trying not to think about it. I can’t find anything in RF’s stuff that suggests he’s seeing other people. And I can’t ask her. It feels like she’s done so much for him, he’s her whole life, I can’t destroy everything she believes in, what did she do to deserve that?” He feels his voice shaking slightly, speaking this out loud seems to confirm the difficulties he is facing. Rafa seems lost in thought and they let the silence settle between them but it’s a comfortable silence, as if they both need space to absorb the truths of each other’s lives. Rafa’s next words, when they come, are completely unexpected.

“Do you like football?”

“Err.. yes very much. Why?”

Rafa looks at his watch. “Real Madrid are playing soon. I say we watch them, eat some food, have some drinks and forget about it all. We’ll talk more in the morning. Sound good?”

It does sound good and it turns out to be very good, it feels like the best fun he’s had in ages. Rafa is passionately committed to his team and Roger ends up joining him, they are screaming at the players, the referee, at the whole world. At odd moments, he looks at Rafa, this man he does not really know at all and who is now the only person in the world that knows something of who he really is. Is he at all like Nadal, does he feel the same way about Nadal as Roger does about RF? Clearly the passionate intensity is shared and that wonderful smile that lights up his whole face. And of course those arms and that famous….

Oh _no, no, no_ , - don’t even start to think about that because what their lives really don’t need right now is another huge complication – turn back to the screen, you moron and concentrate really, really hard on the latest refereeing mistake. Then the match is over, Rafa is leaping around with joy and for the moment hard reality is forgotten. Tomorrow they need to start talking seriously, to see how they can help each other, tonight they have simply enjoyed being who they are.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three new chapters here. 
> 
> Thank you to the people who have left kudoses - I think of you as a small but discerning group!!
> 
> For any of you who've made it this far - I hope the third chapter is some reward.

Rafa is up before Roger the next morning, he’s already sitting at the kitchen table when Roger enters and he’s looking at his laptop with a gloomy expression. He shuts it down when he sees Roger and gets up

“Coffee? Food?”

“Just coffee, please” When Rafa returns with two cups Roger asks “Bad news?”

“Yesterday’s cock up is already a massive hit on Youtube”.

Oh God. “Not surprising, I suppose. What are they saying?”

“Most people think it was a joke. But some are saying they can tell you have no idea what’s going on. And that you’d never have been able to stop laughing”.

Roger feels a little guilty. “I never was much of an actor. Even if I’d known I probably couldn’t have done it”

“Wasn’t your fault. And at least most people are buying it - they must be mad but it could be worse”. He stretches his legs underneath the table “Is it us who are mad Roger? Is this some weird delusion thing? Because I don’t get it otherwise.”

Roger sighs “It has to be. But I don’t see who could help us. We go to a psychiatrist and he’s just going to say of course we’re RF and Nadal and we have to forget these imaginary selves. And I’m not ready for that. I know it would be easier to just be RF but I like who I am”

Rafa doesn’t say anything for a while, then nods. “You’re right. A shrink wouldn’t help. Shit, we’re really screwed aren’t we?”

Roger feels like the destroyer of hope. “I’m still hoping to wake up and find it’s all a nightmare. But until then we need to find a way through it” He leans forward, his thoughts seeming much clearer now he has someone he can express them to “It’s hard but we’re not completely helpless. We have to sort out our retirement and once people start to forget us we can lead normal lives again. We still have our families, thank God, we have lots of money, we can adjust to this”

Rafa doesn’t look entirely convinced but then there’s another of his wonderful, unexpected, laughs. “You sound just like RF there, always looking for the positive. I’m glad you’re strong, like him. I think we’re going to need that”

Strong??? How’s Rafa working that out? RF is an emotional mess, with his giggles, his tears, his dependence on Mirka, he’s certainly not strong. He pushes the thought away, it’s uncomfortable for some reason.

“Rafa, I think we need to help each other here. I know we’re strangers really but we’re the only two people who know what’s going on, we’re going to get very lonely if we don’t keep in touch. RF and Nadal had all sorts of plans together, they were going to go on a cruise and to Prague, I think we should do those things. It would give us a chance to relax, at least till we’ve adjusted to this life a bit more.” He hopes he doesn’t sound too eager, he really wants Rafa to agree to this.

Luckily Rafa is smiling and looking relieved

“You’re right, it makes no sense to try and do this alone. Thank God they were friends, it makes things easier.” He pauses and then, for some reason, flushes.

“Roger, I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing here…I don’t know how to ask….then his words come out in a rush. “Roger, what did Mirka say when you told her about this visit. About you spending the night here?”

Roger has no idea why he’s asking and he can’t really remember, she’d seemed OK with it but in his real life he was always travelling and the other Mirka was used to it. Perhaps he’d taken it for granted.

“Nothing really. Why?”

Rafa looks at him intently. “When we were planning this, I thought up a lot of excuses for why I wanted to be alone with you, I thought Mary would be upset that we didn’t all go out together. But when I told her she just said “Of course you want to be alone with Roger. Why would I want to be there?” He looks at Roger with raised eyebrow. “Why would she say that?”

“I have no idea”. Except that Roger does have an idea, of course he does. The air around them seems to thicken as the thoughts he hasn’t quite let up to the surface appear now, the way RF and Nadal look at each other, their inability to share the same space without touching, his own instinctive reaction to the photos of Nadal modelling his underwear….there’s a tickling at the back of his throat and he has to force himself to look Rafa in the eye.

“She probably didn’t mean anything. But it’s convenient isn’t it, like you said, it makes things easier.” Rafa looks at him steadily without replying and then breaks the spell. He holds up Roger’s cup. “Refill?”

 

************************************************************************

 

On the plane home Roger is feeling pretty happy about the weekend. Most importantly he likes Rafa, he is thoughtful but has a good sense of humour, last night had been fun. Imagine if it had been Novak instead… don’t even think about that. And talking this morning had really helped, once that slight awkward thing was over they had got down to some serious discussion. It wasn’t that Rafa had had any miraculous ideas, just that talking to someone else had stopped his mind from going round in circles. They’ve decided how to handle their retirement and they’ve realised that they can’t drive themselves mad trying to be something they aren’t - their friends and relatives will need to get used to the fact they’re not quite the same. Strange how Rafa was so worried about not being able to speak Nadal’s English. Roger actually likes Nadal’s English – he finds it quirky. He also suspects that the “poor English” was just a trick to hide his thoughts from the media. Rafa had thought hard about that – he agreed it was something he could imagine himself doing and he obviously liked that thought. The only nagging worry from the weekend is that Rafa seems quite vulnerable in some ways – he was upset by the events of yesterday and he’s clearly intimidated by the thought of dealing with Nadal’s fame and wealth. Roger actually feels quite protective – he’ll make sure Rafa knows he can always turn to him for help. Rafa was right about him being strong (even if he did have that weird idea about RF) and he will get them both through this.


	7. Chapter 7

One week later:

“That’s what I said, that’s the date I’m retiring and up to then you can say I’m injured, there’ll be less fuss if people have already written me off like in ’16. Only this time there’ll be no comeback”

It’s hard to say if the faces around him look more stunned or more worried, Tony’s is probably the former, Seve’s and Pierre’s the latter. Mirka, who already knew [and thank God he had told her before, the conversation had been a nightmare but she would have been devastated if he’d let her find out with everyone else] looks surprisingly upset. Perhaps until now she’d hoped he would change his mind. The silence is eventually broken by Tony who is clearly struggling to find the right words

“Roger, this is a shock to us, can you tell us why you’ve suddenly decided this? And why (Roger can hear the anger creeping through his voice) you haven’t discussed any of this with us first?”

Roger looks at him making sure to keep the eye contact strong. He and Rafa have discussed this a few times and always reached the same conclusion – no explanation is going to be convincing so there’s no point giving one, just be firm and clear that it’s going to happen.

“I knew you’d be upset about that and I’m sorry. But I’ve always said I’d know when the time was right and it’s now. It was always going to be my decision and I didn’t want any of you trying to change my mind”

That silences Tony although it probably doesn’t satisfy him. Seve takes up the challenge “We know it’s your decision Roger but this isn’t the way you normally do things, we never imagined you would just…..” his voice tails off and he looks at Roger, his eyes asking for something Roger has no idea how to give him. He turns away from that look and reminds himself that none of this is his fault – he’s doing the best he can.

“You’re all just proving my point. I wanted to make my own decision on this. We can discuss all the details of how we go about it but that’s it”

Dead silence. At last Tony stirs “Well, there’s obviously no more to be said on that so let’s just leave it, shall we?. There are other things we need to talk about. I’m getting nowhere with the RF logo, Roger, Nike just aren’t going to budge on this one”

That awful thing. “Let them keep it. I think we should come up with something new, something a bit more classy”. Oh fuck, he regrets saying that as soon as it’s out and he can’t really blame Tony for his response

“Well, thanks very much for that, Roger, I’ve only wasted God knows how much fucking time trying to get it back for you because YOU said how much you wanted it. Maybe this is one thing you should have discussed with me?”

Shit, he’s quite right and Roger digs his nails into his palms to try and keep his mind clear “I’m sorry, Tony, I shouldn’t have said that, of course you’re right. I just think, that was the logo when I was playing, wouldn’t it be better to have something else now?” It works after a fashion, Tony looks a little less ready to explode “It’s not a bad idea, I just wish you’d said something before. I’ll get the team to come up with some designs for you to look at” After that there are no more ructions, although things still seem tense.

Thank God Roger decided to have the meeting at his own house, once everyone’s gone he can throw himself on the sofa and close his eyes, Mirka sitting on the floor next to him. She doesn’t say anything and he’s grateful for her presence, her calmness, he’s always known he could depend on her. He wonders suddenly why RF seemed to have made such a success of this marriage when he himself had failed? It can’t have been the money, he knows Mirka far too well for that, perhaps it was the tennis. No point wondering, where will that get him?He leans over and strokes her hair.

“Thank you for being there. It was bad, wasn’t it?”

She looks at him hard. “You must have expected that. And I doubt that’s the end of it, Seve isn’t going to let it go”.

Roger knows he’s hurting Seve but there doesn’t seem to be anything he can do about that, Mirka, though, deserves his best efforts. “Mirka, I know I’ve been foul lately, I can’t believe how patient you’ve been. I don’t want you to think I don’t notice it or appreciate it, because I do”.

There is a long silence and her voice when it emerges is strained. “That’s just the trouble Roger, you’ve probably never been as considerate as you’ve been these last few weeks. But I have no idea what you’re feeling or thinking anymore. I’ll give you as much space as you need but some day I want you back OK?” She gets up off the floor and leans over to kiss him. “I’m going to pick the kids up now. Will you take over when they’re back?” He nods, of course he will, the kids are the only thing that keeps him half way sane.

After she’s gone, he gets up off the sofa and goes in search of his laptop. He’d promised Rafa that he would message him after the meeting but he can’t tell him how it went – that would worry him unnecessarily. Roger had offered to have his meeting first to test out their plans. Eventually he writes that the plan had worked, it was tough while he was telling them but after the initial shock they’d accepted it and Roger feels much better now it’s over. By the time’s he’s finished he’s almost convinced himself that that was the way it was.

******************************************************************

One Month Later:

Marco is his usual cheerful self when Roger meets him as arranged at FC Basel’s stadium. He gets through the relevant handshakes with all the officials who come to greet him and they settle into the extremely good seats that the club has provided them with. It’s the first time they’ve met since the changeover and Roger has been looking forward to it – he’d kept in close contact with Marco anyway and a thorough Google search hasn’t revealed any major changes in his life. And there’s always the Davis Cup to “reminisce” about– realising that two of his friends had winner’s medals because of him had been one of the better moments in Roger’s new existence. The match, dinner at Marco’s place – it’s going to be good.

Since the retirement announcement he’s been trying to focus on the good things in his new life. Driving RF’s cars has become an addictive pleasure – he’s stopped wondering why on earth he needed so many and just started enjoying every one of them. He’s also getting more and more involved with RF’s businesses, particularly with the Foundation. It’s obviously a well-run project already but there are areas Roger would like to expand in, particularly in Switzerland itself. He’s beginning to think about how he wants to spend his unlimited wealth and to stop feeling guilty about the fact he hasn’t earned it. This life wasn’t his choice and he has to put up with the downsides; watching his words all the time, losing his freedom, his constant guilt about Mirka.

With an effort, he drags his thoughts back to the match which, luckily, turns out to be a very good one. Soon it feels just like old times, he barely notices the furtive glances that keep coming his way and even at half-time most people respect his privacy. Just a nice relaxing dinner at Marco’s place and that will set him up nicely for the week…..

It starts off well enough, chatting about the match but Marco seems subdued and he keeps looking at Roger in a worried sort of way. Roger has a sinking feeling that the evening is going nowhere good but eventually feels forced to ask

“Anything wrong, Marco? You seem quiet.”

Marco gives him a long look and then starts

“I know you’re going to hate this Roger but I’m your oldest friend so I’m going to do it. Whenever I see Seve, your parents, anyone who knows you I’m getting the same thing, they’re all worried about you, you seem distant, you’re not talking to people, it feels like you want to cut them out half the time. Stan says you haven’t texted him in weeks, you’re normally driving him insane when he’s injured, checking up on him all the time. At the match even I could see it, you never got out of your seat once, normally I’m having to stop you jumping around like a maniac” Marco tries to smile but it turns into a sigh of frustration. “If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine, but I can’t sit back and not try” He pauses but he’s not quite at the end. “Please, whatever’s bothering you, find someone who can help.”

It seems as if he really is finished now and there’s a long and uncomfortable silence as Roger struggles for words because truthfully, and unfairly, he is angry with Marco and, in fact, with everyone around him. It’s bad enough that he’s trying to adjust to everything, to be a good father, to be a husband to the wife he divorced two years ago without being constantly badgered like this . “Tell us how you feel, Roger, what is it Roger, why don’t you talk to us Roger?” He wishes, savagely, that RF had been able to make decisions for himself, like an adult, rather than having these people around him who demand to be consulted about everything. And why couldn’t Marco just spend a nice evening with him chatting and laughing like they used to instead of joining in with the barrage? He gives himself time to calm down a little because it’s not really Marco’s fault and yelling at him won’t solve anything.

“I’ve just got things on my mind with the retirement and everything, Marco, but that’s all. I don’t know why everyone’s getting so upset with me about this, surely it had to be my decision? Did they expect to make it for me?”

Marco looks unconvinced “Of course it’s your decision, you’ve always been in charge of your life. But normally you talk to your friend, your family. We’re just not sure why you’re shutting us out”. That really is too much and Roger can no longer keep the annoyance out of his voice

“Well perhaps my friends could support me a bit instead of keep on questioning me. That would really help, you know?”

He is stricken with guilt at the sight of Marco’s face. Why does he keep on doing this to people? “Please I’ve been really looking forward to spending time with you, can’t we just try and enjoy it?” But it’s obviously much too late, the evening is completely spoilt and Roger finds an excuse to leave early.

It’s a relief to be on his own as he gets back into the car but he doesn’t drive off immediately, his feelings are too raw for him to drive safely. Marco was probably his closest friend, he’d liked Roger, the real Roger, now he doesn’t want to be with him because he’s not RF, this stranger who Roger doesn’t know and can never be. Perhaps he should just cut off from all these people instead of being a constant disappointment to them, he could join a monastery perhaps. Novak could recommend a good one. He laughs at that thought and his mood lightens further when the phone rings and he sees it’s Rafa. One person who isn’t upset with him.

Even better, Rafa’s sounding really happy, he’s had a good day at the Academy working with the kids and he’s even managed to persuade Toni to his way of thinking about something. Roger smiles to himself, Rafa’s frustration with Toni’s not noticing he isn’t ten years old anymore is a regular topic of conversation. “And how are you Roger, had a good day? Weren’t you going to the football?”

Roger thinks briefly about telling him something of the truth but no, he mustn’t burden Rafa with his troubles especially when he’s in such a good mood, it would be horrible to spoil that for him. “Yes, and it was a great match, I’ve had a really good evening……..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part about Federer pestering Stan whenever he's injured is actually true - Stan once said in an interview that when he's injured Roger is always checking up on him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one switches between Roger's POV and Rafa's - sometimes they're describing different things, sometimes the same thing from both perspectives. It should be fairly clear who is who and I hope it doesn't get too confusing - I thought it would be an interesting thing to try.

One month later:

**Hi Rafa**

**Just to let you know I’ve had a look at that mysterious company you found in your files, they’ve just set it up to keep that bit of your business separate, it’s not a tax dodge or anything weird.**

**I think your idea for an environmental charity is good but you could set it up better [then there’s a long section about the tax advantages of various options which is, if Rafa’s being honest, a bit dull]. I’ll explain better tomorrow.**

**My RF signing session went OK today, I put on my best RF charm! Somebody actually told me they could communicate with me telepathically, can you believe it? Obviously mixing me up with Novak. Don’t worry when you have to do these things, people will see what they expect to see and they’ll never notice anything different.**

**Looking forward to the cruise, great to have a week off.**

**Roger**

 

Rafa smiles as he reads the latest message from Roger, it is so absolutely typical. Roger always seems half convinced that Rafa will have some kind of breakdown if he doesn’t watch out for him, in his old life this would probably be annoying but he senses an underlying kindness in Roger underneath all that seriousness and when there’s only one person in the world who knows who you are it’s good to know it’s a person you can really trust. He hopes Roger isn’t going to talk too much about tax advantages and corporate structures during the trip, he gets enough of that from his own advisors.

That bit about RF though …. Roger’s references to RF have begun to puzzle him. He always seems to treat RF as a completely separate person from himself and doesn’t even seem to like him very much, he once told Rafa he thought he was “childish”. Rafa does not feel this way at all about Nadal, Nadal is just himself having made different choices in life, Rafa doesn’t dislike him or envy him and suspects that if he knew him away from the cameras they would hardly be different at all.

But Roger now…. Rafa has begun to feel quite curious about RF lately and has found himself watching some of his videos carefully. Sometimes, especially when he’s discussing a match or his training schedule he sounds exactly like Roger in his quiet concentration and focus. But the tears, the giggles, the uncontrollable laughter, where are these things in Roger? Roger has a dry sense of humour which Rafa enjoys but it’s not like RF at all. And crying in public? He can’t ever imagine Roger doing that.

This is all silly though, he’s only actually met Roger twice and the second time was a promo where they didn’t even get a chance to talk privately. Just because they’ve talked lots on the phone and sent lots of messages, that doesn’t mean you really know somebody. Maybe he can bring out those giggles on this trip. He’s found a great video of the two of them together but without all that embarrassing closeness (it would be weird to look at any of those videos together) and RF is so funny and charming in it that he knows Roger will like it. They’ve both been looking forward to this trip and the chance to relax – it’s going to be really good……

********************************************

It really was incredibly lucky that RF mentioned going on a cruise with Nadal because even though the trip is only three hours old Roger is already loving it. They’ve done their best to make sure it’s kept private but at least if the paps catch them out it will look normal. The boat is absolutely amazing ( Rafa says it alone pretty much compensates for the inconvenience of having his life turned upside down) and he’s really looking forward to the next week. There are mysterious and unseen crew members who apparently do all the hard work. And the smells coming from the kitchen – and a good bottle of wine on the table….

“You must be a fabulous cook, Rafa, that smells amazing”

Rafa emerges briefly “You can’t go wrong in this space. The galley in my old boat was the size of one of these cupboards, but it really taught me how to cook” He carries on describing all the weird meals he concocted with one gas ring and no fridge. Roger smiles, Rafa loves talking about his old life and of course there’s only one person who can listen. Him too, although he tries to avoid too much business talk, it doesn’t seem like Rafa is someone who would be much interested in the mysteries of succession planning and risk evaluation. But he's happy just to listen anyway, no-one asking him to talk about how he's feeling, or what's wrong with him. Bliss

The dinner tastes as good as it smelt and conversation is easy, they’ve both seen Novak’s latest ridiculous interview – telepathy, telekinesis, what’s that about - Rafa has a go at moving the wine bottle with the power of his mind which, unsurprisingly, doesn’t work at all. And later there’ll be a film to watch, “What did you choose, Raf?”

Rafa looks a little embarrassed, “Wonder Woman”

Oh dear Gods. Never mind, another glass or two of this fabulous wine and he won’t care anyway. Rafa’s voice interrupts that pleasant thought.

“Before that I’ve got a little film to show you Roger, I found it when I was researching that Laver Cup thing we did in our previous lives.”

Rafa opens up his laptop, finds what he needs and then moves it and himself closer to Roger “Look, it’s really nice”.

Roger never enjoys looking at RF but he’s willing to do it if it’s quick, Rafa looks so enthusiastic and he doesn’t want to upset him. The video is just RF and Nadal chatting (there’s a man sitting in between them but he’s being completely ignored) – it doesn’t seem to show anything special but RF isn’t doing anything too embarrassing thank God. Towards the end RF starts showing off some trick shot to Nadal, his actions become more and more animated as he describes the amazing shot he is remembering; he looks like nothing Roger recognizes as himself but exactly like Leo or Lenny describing some remarkable thing they’ve just done.

But God, Oh God... he can't stand it...in some distant way Roger almost recognizes that it could seem cute to people but the pain he is feeling as he watches is unbearable, it’s like a hard weight crushing down his chest and dragging the breath out of him. Was this the life he should have had, the life he threw away, not only all the trophies, the fabulous tennis, the successful marriage but also looking as happy as a four year old scoring his first goal? Why is Rafa torturing him by making him watch this? Doesn’t he understand anything?

“Turn it off, please Raf” he whispers, barely able to speak. Rafa immediately pulls down the lid but then he turns to Roger and touches his elbow “Roger, I’m so sorry, what’s wrong? You look…I thought you’d really like it, you look so happy in it….”

You look so happy…. You look so happy…. now he knows why Rafa has shown him this, the one person who should be able to understand, who he thought actually liked Roger for himself, he’s just like all the rest, wanting him to be someone he’s not, oh look at nice fun giggly RF, why can’t you be more like him, Roger? Why are you such a failure, Roger? His voice rises to a shout as he turns on Rafa

“I’m sure you’d like me much better if I was him, Rafa, but you of all people should know I’m not HIM, I AM NOT…..FUCKING…HIM”

He jumps up from the chair sending it flying backwards – he has to get out of this room and be anywhere else… anywhere else……. He makes it outside to the corridor where he throws himself on the floor, back to the wall and rocks back and forth, hugging his knees, he is filled with anger against RF, against Rafa, against himself, he's tried so fucking hard with all of them and it's never good enough, even Rafa, the one person, the one person... It's even worse when the anger begins to die down and he is left to think about what he has just done. He has no idea why Rafa wanted to show him the film but Rafa is a nice person, he wouldn’t have wanted to hurt him like this, he must really just not understand. And Roger really needs him, he can’t cope with being totally alone, he must go back and try to…. He tries to get up but, shit, his back has gone into spasm –he’s going to be stuck here for a while. He rests his head on his knees and wonders if there’s any way of recovering from this.

 

*******************************************************

 

Rafa picks up the fallen chair, his hands shaking. What the hell…? He is too stunned to feel angry. What did Roger see in that video that made him react like that? The only thing Rafa can really remember is saying “you” instead of RF – what a stupid thing to say, he knows Roger doesn’t like that – he’s corrected him before when Rafa has made that mistake, although he’s never exploded like that. What was it, what was it? And what should he do now? Does he wait for Roger to come back? Does he go and look for him? Even though he has no idea what he’s done wrong he knows he will apologise anyway– he can’t bear the idea of not being friends with Roger. He’s adjusting to his new life and even starting to enjoy some of it but he cannot be left without anyone who knows his true self. Accepting the blame is a small price to pay. He decides it would be better to wait but his resolve doesn’t last long – he needs to put this right as soon as possible - whatever it takes

He’s relieved to find Roger hadn’t got further than the corridor and launches into his explanation

“I’m so sorry… I know you don’t like… I was an idiot…all my fault”,

It doesn’t make much sense but it gets Roger’s head up from his knees. “No, don’t apologise, Rafa, you didn’t do anything, I guess I’m just a bit stressed by it all. I’m really sorry for blowing up at you like that”.

It’s good that Roger is no longer angry with him and his words sound calm enough but he doesn’t look right, Rafa can see his hands are jammed between his knees in an attempt to stop them shaking. In fact he looks, to Rafa’s worried eyes, quite horribly fragile. Would he prefer Rafa left him alone?

Well, fuck it, Rafa has no idea what the right thing to do is but he’s not walking out on a fellow human being who looks like this. He sits down beside Roger, puts an arm around his shoulder and starts talking “It’s OK, we’re both feeling it, bound to be on edge, don’t worry” … he has no idea what he’s saying and he doesn’t think Roger is listening anyway but he isn’t pulling away and after a minute he actually leans in closer to Rafa as if he likes the contact. Rafa puts his other arm around him and pulls him in against his chest, for some reason he starts stroking down his back and hears Roger murmur “that’s good, right there”. Didn’t Roger say something about having a bad back? He carries on stroking for the longest time until he can feel Roger has completely relaxed in his arms, he finds himself stroking his neck and even his hair,

oh God Rafa, what are you doing, this probably isn’t the moment… but Roger’s finger is stroking the side of his neck and it feels so good he stretches out to get more of it, now Roger’s kissing the side of his neck and he’s losing himself in it, Jesus Christ, how long has he wanted this? Years, maybe, who knows?. Then Roger lifts up his head and they’re kissing properly, oh God, …. more, more…. with the last remnants of his rational brain about to disintegrate Rafa manages to pull his lips away and gasp ”Roger, is this a good idea? Should we think about this?”

**********************************************************

Roger hears Rafa coming into the corridor and tries to move but his back won’t let him. At least he can apologise and hope Rafa is in a forgiving mood. He gets out his words and Rafa doesn’t seem angry with him – shit, if only he could get up – but Rafa doesn’t move away.

Instead he sits down beside him and puts a gentle arm around him – Roger can’t really focus on what he is saying but it feels good and he finds himself pressing a bit closer – it’s embarrassingly needy but what the fuck, he’s made a complete fool of himself already this evening so not much point worrying about that now. And Rafa’s hands on his back feel amazing – he’s doing a way better job than any physio Roger has met over the years. He can carry on doing that forever, the pain of the evening is slipping away with the pain in his back, yes, right there, and Rafa smells so good and he’s running his hands through Roger’s hair – please, please, let this mean what he thinks it means.

He lifts a tentative finger to stroke down the side of his neck and Rafa gives out a little gasp, now Roger's kissing him there instead but it’s not enough – he finds Rafa’s lips and that’s perfect, Rafa’s mouth is opening up his, finding his tongue…. God, he needs, he wants…. He feels Rafa pull away, no, no, don’t do that for Christ’s sake, he hears Rafa saying “Should we think about this?” Then he sees how Rafa’s face is flushed even while he’s trying to do the right thing and he can’t resist teasing him a little.

“You’re right, this is a bad idea,” Rafa’s face falls, “because this floor is going to get really uncomfortable” Rafa hits him lightly on the arm but he’s laughing, he pulls him up and hurries him into the bedroom.

Rafa’s hands are just as amazing once he can explore Roger’s body properly and God, does he seem to enjoy doing that. Roger makes a couple of attempts to go down on him – he doesn’t want Rafa to think he’s completely selfish – but Rafa pushes him away and carries on. No point arguing with him so Roger gives himself over completely to the pleasure of it, encouraging Rafa with loud mutterings in Swiss German which they both seem to find, oddly, a complete turn on. Eventually Rafa nudges him over onto his stomach and starts licking and rubbing and stretching, Roger is too lost in the sensations to think about where it’s going but then Rafa’s voice breaks in

“Roger, are you OK to go all the way with this? It’s fine if you think it’s too soon”.

Does he want that? He turns round to look at Rafa who is trying to look calm but obviously wants this very badly, he glances down at Rafa’s cock and tries to imagine…. Oh, yes, Roger wants this so much it’s actually frightening which makes him wonder if it’s a good idea…Oh, don’t be an idiot Roger, go for it, he keeps his voice firm to cover up the doubts

“Yeah, do it Rafa, I want that. But I should probably tell you, I haven’t actually….”

Rafa looks startled at that but then he smiles “I’d better make sure it’s good then”. He carries on with his fingers and Roger drifts back into a haze, is anything actually going to feel better than this? Then suddenly he feels Rafa’s fingers pulling out, he’s turned away for a few seconds and then Rafa’s cock is pressing against him, gentle but insistent, asking Roger’s body to open up for him. Then it’s happening and it does hurt at first but not for long, soon he’s urging Rafa to be a little less cautious, and they don’t last long after that. God, that has to have been the best, the very best- he feels Rafa curling up beside him and shuts his eyes, he never wants to move ever again…..

 

************************************************

“This floor’s going to get really uncomfortable”

Roger looks so mischievous as he says it that it tugs at Rafa’s heart, it’s almost like…. His rational mind gives up the uneven fight it was having with his body and he has to get Roger to his bedroom – nothing else matters.

Underneath him Roger seems to react to his every touch, Rafa pats down his attempts to do anything in return, this is way too much fun. Roger’s gasps and exclamations in loud Swiss German tell him what he’s doing right, only when he touches a long scar on his left arm does Roger flinch and move his arm away– must still be tender –strange –it looks quite old. When he has Roger on his stomach he’s already thinking about the next stage and God, it’s going to be utterly amazing – at that point his rational brain gives him a brief jolt – he really should make sure… Roger’s answer is a surprise and he finds himself feeling quite emotional at the level of trust involved – that’s really – concentrate - he slows everything down partly to calm himself, he’s obviously going to need to be in full control of himself here. He feels Roger flinch a little as he’s pushing himself in, he puts a reassuring hand on his back and takes it really slow. It’s not long before Roger’s making encouraging sounds in Swiss German and Rafa starts to relax a little. He can’t entirely let go of his nerves and he reaches round to stroke Roger quite early. Roger doesn’t last long and Rafa follows soon after but that doesn’t matter, it’s been incredible and he has Roger in his arms and he doesn’t want to think about anything else.

Eventually Roger breaks the silence.

“That was incredible, Raf, you’re a magician, you know that?”

Rafa turns to him “How come you never did that before Roger? I thought…”

He doesn’t really know how to phrase it. Roger thinks for a while then shrugs “I don’t know really, I remember one guy suggesting it but it didn’t feel right somehow.” He is briefly distracted by the memory of Gabriel, not one of his better choices “Thank God I did say no, I wouldn’t have sat down for a week, the guy thought he was in some porn movie.” He hasn’t really answered Rafa’s unspoken questions but they can wait – the atmosphere is beautifully tranquil, Rafa mustn’t spoil it. They lie there a while longer until Roger moves to get out of the bed.

“I’m going to get my stuff and take a shower – I’ll be back in a moment. That is”… a sudden doubt crosses over his face “if you want me to sleep here, it doesn’t matter if you…”

Is he serious? Is he actually serious?? Rafa decides it has to be a joke and responds in kind “No, get out of here and light me a cigarette while you’re at it.” Roger looks a little unsure, “Is that a yes?”

Is he completely insane? “Of course it’s a yes, Roger”. How could you think…? he adds silently to Roger’s departing back.

Later, when Roger is asleep beside him, Rafa finds himself still wide awake. His rational mind seems to have come fully back to life and is pestering him with thoughts he’d rather not have. They are so necessary to each other in this weird situation they’re in, are they putting it all at risk, what if they fall out, what if…? And Roger… Rafa turns to look at him, peaceful and relaxed in his sleep. Rafa is no longer deceived, this man is damaged, Rafa doesn’t really know how and certainly not why but he knows there’s something. Perhaps in his old life he was fine although Rafa doubts it, but here under new pressures? Common sense would say he should hold back until he understands more… Then he finds his fingers stroking through Roger’s hair, wishing there were still curls and he realises with a sinking feeling that it’s far, far too late for sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who hasn't seen the video referred to it's this one. Even if you don't agree with my interpretation of it we can all see why Dominic Thiem didn't want to play Laver Cup this year.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS08tlAJpVc


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened during the cruise.

The Cruise: Day 3

They have finally got round to watching Wonder Woman and it’s pretty much as bad as Roger had feared but, also as predicted, it doesn’t really matter. He is curled up on the sofa with a superb glass of wine and he is feeling utterly relaxed. So far the holiday is pretty much as he had hoped. Even the trauma of the first evening he has pushed to the back of his mind. Perhaps without that he and Rafa never would have…

He had not realised how much he had missed male bodies – it’s not all about the sex -it’s the touch, the feel, he likes being able to just stroke Rafa’s arm or his leg -to feel that solidity under his hand. He realises uncomfortably that he isn’t going to be able to do without this when he returns home. And what exactly is he going to do about it? Even if he didn’t have Mirka to think about he is no longer in a position to pursue casual relationships as he had been doing – he has no wish to end up splashed across the tabloids. And paying for it is not an attractive thought either.

He is distracted by Rafa shouting at the TV from the opposite sofa;

“Oh, that’s just stupid, Jamie would be telling me that’s physically impossible”

He grins at Roger “Sorry, you won’t know what the hell I’m talking about”

Roger smiles a little smugly “Yes,I do. Your friend Jamie Corman, he was your roommate at Northwestern and he once spent an hour explaining to you why Jurassic Park was scientifically impossible.”

Rafa is staring openmouthed “How do you know that? When did I ever talk to you about Jamie?”

“You mentioned him in one of your phone calls. You said you’d seen a picture of him in the paper winning a prize and you wanted to call and congratulate him but then realized he wouldn’t know who you were”

“I don’t even remember… OK, I’m going to test you. Who is David Flicker?”

“Your first boss in America”

“Pedro Higaldez?”

“The guy you ran the Hispanic Society with. You see, I’m good. You can’t catch me out”

Rafa is looking oddly serious and Roger is beginning to feel uncomfortable. “Is there an issue here?”

“No, I just can’t believe your memory is so good. How often have I mentioned these people?

“Not that often, but you once said you found it upsetting that a whole part of your life was gone and you had no-one to talk to about it so I make sure I remember what you tell me. Then you’ll always be able to talk about it with me if you need to.”

He realises with horror that Rafa looks on the verge of tears. Why do people keep doing this to him… he’s always either upsetting them or the other way round – is it really no longer possible to just have a fun time with a friend without… without…

“Rafa, please, just stop, you look like…. Please stop, I can’t…”

He’s aware that Rafa’s arms have come around him and he sinks into them gratefully. He really needs to get a better grip on himself, these emotional outbursts are ridiculous. Perhaps it’s the wine…

**********************************

The Cruise: Day 5

“Roger, when did you realise you liked men?”

“I didn’t tell you about it?”

“No you said you liked men and women, but not how you knew. I never knew about myself until I was at college, I wondered if it was the same for you”

Roger is lying on the sofa and Rafa’s hands are smoothing out all the tension from his back – really his hands are amazing. Could he pay him millions to do this every day? Probably not, Rafa is incredibly rich himself. In this mood Roger doesn’t even mind being questioned.

“I knew I liked men when I was on tour and then I had an affair with Stephane just before the divorce and since then a few people. [Really more than a few – making up for lost time, he tells himself, Rafa doesn’t need the full details].

“A few?”

“A few” he repeats firmly.

“Men and women?”

“Rafa, why do you…?”

“Answer or no more massage”

Anything but that. “At first, just men. Because I was so curious, I suppose. Then after a while I missed women. But I don’t know the percentage. And you’re being very nosy”

“I know, I’m sorry. I never thought about men until I fell in love with this guy in college and then we were together for a year. But you liked men years before you… of course you were married, it was different for you”

Oh God, he doesn’t want to lie to Rafa, Stephane wasn’t exactly the first, but he can’t tell him about…why do people always want him to talk about things he doesn’t want to remember? He tries to speak, “Stephane wasn’t really…” No, this is too hard…

He feels Rafa’s arms reaching out to him but this time he pulls away from the offered comfort. They’re always on at him to _talk to them_ and just this once he’ll do it, he’s tired of protecting everyone from himself and Rafa can despise him afterwards if he wants to. He’ll give him every little detail and maybe then he’ll understand why it’s better not to say things.

He is back in the locker room with Mr Pink Shorts who has just issued his unmistakeable come-on. Roger is burning with desire and humiliation when the man walks over to him and whispers in his ear “Last cubicle – give it two minutes” and disappears in the direction of the showers. Roger sits there, he’s going to get up and leave the locker room of course… he just needs to calm down… any second now.. after two minutes he heads off towards the showers.

The man is sitting on the bench, already naked. Roger isn’t sure he’s going to do this right but it turns out not to matter, the man is happy to whisper instructions and encouragement.

“Lick right there, that’s it, now there, take it in slowly, suck now, that’s right, bit harder, that’s good”.

Roger realises now he was lucky the man was kind, he wasn’t too rough and he pulled out just before the end, not everyone would have done that, and when he’s finished he offers to return the favour. Roger doesn’t even want to look at him – he tells him to leave and when he’s alone he brings himself off. He walks away from the locker room and away from tennis.

Rafa’s eyes are quiet.

“Is that why you left tennis?”

Roger would throw himself off the side of the boat before he tells anyone why he left tennis. “Partly. But I was getting tired of it anyway”

“And you didn’t tell Mirka?”

“Tell her I blew some total stranger? Just wanted the one thing he had that she didn’t? It was worse than if I’d been in love with the guy”

“Did you enjoy it?”

Yes, he had, God, so much. He’d tried to force it out of his mind but he’d never quite succeeded… And then, eventually, he couldn’t go on, but at least by then he and Mirka had drifted apart anyway, she was not hurt like she would have been then.

“You tried to protect her…”

“I don’t think that excuses…”

“No” He quietly runs his hand through Roger’s hair. Then he gets up off the sofa and starts removing his jeans and shorts.

“Rafa, what the hell are you doing?”

He looks up innocently “Your story, it has put me in the mood.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Do I look like I’m kidding you?”

No, he really doesn’t.

“Rafa, I have just told you about a very private, painful, moment in my life and you think its foreplay?

Rafa shrugs. “What can I say, I’m very shallow”

Roger starts laughing. This is the most crazy…Well OK what the hell? He rolls off the sofa and pulls Rafa down beside him.

“If we’re doing this, it’s not going to be one way this time. Lie down this way”

“So I can do this?”

“Oh, fuck, Rafa – so good…, stop, wait, I can’t reach, move a bit…OK …now”

 Much later, when yet again he is awake while Roger is sleeping, Rafa can’t help thinking that that could have gone horribly wrong. What if Roger had thought he was being mocked, his outbursts of distress are so unpredictable…

And truthfully, Rafa has no idea what he’s doing here. Roger had apparently been content and successful in his own life, even now Rafa has no doubts that he will achieve a calm and stable existence, he will probably eventually split from Mirka and find a way to live with that other self that he dislikes. Yet somehow this does not seem enough. In another life Roger didn’t mind crying in front of millions, he has joyfulness, a happy marriage, surely Roger was not intended to be having sex with strangers, to be unable to cry?

None of these thoughts are helping. He curls up behind Roger and kisses the back of his neck. He has no idea if this is love or not but he feels a connection that goes straight to his heart. And he has to follow it.

 

The Cruise:Day 6

The end of another wonderful day and Roger is trying not to think that this is the last night. Being able to relax, to be honest, to not have to watch his words, the sex – it’s going to be hard to let this go. Rafa seems to pick up on his thoughts

“We can start planning for Prague”

Roger sighs “It feels too far off right now”. He decides to focus on the moment and leans over to tickle the back of Rafa’s hand. “There’s still one more night”

“Any special requests?”

Roger has no need to think about this one. “It’s very selfish of me but I’d like exactly the same as that first night. Unless you’d prefer….”

“You joking? Come on”

It didn’t seem possible that it could be better than then but it is. Roger has always felt a bit embarrassed at being too vocal but knowing that Rafa doesn’t understand a word is liberating, he yells out at every almost every touch and it only sends him higher. Rafa as well is less nervous this time, freer to push Roger to the brink, it’s so intense that after it is over he can’t stop himself shaking, oh God, not again, Rafa can’t keep seeing him like this, he’s going to think Roger is some sort of headcase. He goes to the bathroom and pours himself a glass of water, just take a few minutes, come on ,. get a grip.

“That was just amazing Rafa, I really can’t tell you how good that was – hell of a way to celebrate the last night”

“I know, I’m incredible and to thank me you’re going to answer a question I know you won’t like”

“Do I really have to?”

“That first evening, the video, what happened?”

Roger doesn’t want to think about the video ever again, he really can’t, but… calm down…. Rafa is owed an explanation for the blow-up at least. He pulls his thoughts together.

“It feels like the people around me want me to be like him you know and I get that even though it’s driving me crazy. It just felt for a moment like you were one of them and it was worse from you, can you understand that?”

Rafa can understand that, he knows it’s only a partial answer but he leaves it. Why is he doing this anyway? He promises Roger no more questions.

“Thank God for that. Come here, sleep”.

No chance of that, Rafa still feels like he’s on fire. That was like no sex Rafa has ever experienced, it felt like Roger’s every nerve was responding to Rafa’s touch, his trust in him was absolute, there was nothing Rafa could have asked of him that he would not have done. And yet at the same time he seemed to go so deep inside himself that Rafa couldn’t reach anywhere near him, lost in his own body and in his own pleasure. And afterwards he had run away, unable to stand Rafa seeing him so vulnerable…

Surely there is no sense in Rafa entangling himself in this? As if he any longer has a choice.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events of the next two chapters take place over the next two months but I haven't given specific times.
> 
>  
> 
> I'm trying very much to show what's happening through the thoughts of the characters and letting the reader make their own interpretations, so some things probably feel odd. If anyone's puzzled by anything or wants to compare notes then please leave a comment and I'll explain what was in my head. With Roger I've tried to base everything he does on something he's said or done in the past , an interview or a video or something like that. We can't know what he'd really be like in these circumstances of course but everything has a reason somewhere.
> 
> I assume anyone still reading is actually enjoying it so many thanks

“I’m not taking No for an answer Rog, meet me at 9 at the Center” Seve’s voice was tight and there had seemed little point in Roger arguing. He had thought about just not turning up but he can’t hurt Seve that much. Like everyone else in his life he’s hurting him anyway, but still, he has to try and limit the damage.

The practice session starts with a gentle back and forth, it’s a long time since Roger held a racket but at this pace muscle memory serves well enough. Seve starts to pick up speed and thank God Roger has kept up his fitness because at least he can get to the balls even if he can’t always make the shots. And almost he’s enjoying it, he’d forgotten how good this felt. He connects so well on one particular shot that for a moment he doesn’t think about how RF would have done it better and just enjoys the feeling that he, Roger, used to be very, very good at this.

“Try some serves now” comes Seve’s voice. Roger had been dreading this and rightly so, while he hasn’t entirely forgotten the motion his pace is completely off, he probably served better than this at twelve years old. To his relief Seve soon brings the torture to an end by shouting “Volleys now.” Volley practice was always fun and Roger briefly forgets to be embarrassed, even uttering a whoop of joy on making a difficult one. Jesus, Seve will think him an idiot, still, the practice must surely have convinced him that Roger’s retirement can’t come soon enough.

“You still love it” Seve’s voice is without emotion as they walk off the court and towards the bench.

“I was shit, Seve, don’t pretend you didn’t see that.”

“Yes, you were. But you still love it”

“So? I can’t play in front of a crowd like this, it would be humiliating and I don’t want a shitstorm in the press”

“I don’t care about any of that.”

Suddenly Roger is tired. “If you’re trying to get me to change my mind then please stop. I’m not going to discuss it.”

“I’m not trying to get you to change your mind. I agree, you can’t go out playing like that.”

“Then what’s the point of all this?”

Seve takes his time before answering. “Because I wanted to know if you still love it, if you still have the passion, the spark. I can live with never seeing you play in public again, it had to come to an end sometime. But” and here Roger senses how much his calmness has been forced the entire time, “I don’t want to see you stop being you” He pauses and Roger dreads hearing what might come next but when Seve starts again he is at least smiling. “I want you to hit with me a couple of times a week, no pressure, I won’t even comment on your game, just you and me and the net. OK?”

“I’ll think about it”

After Seve has gone Roger continues to stare ahead of him, he seems to lack strength to move from the bench. “Just hitting” Seve had said but Roger knows what he wants, he wants the connection, the closeness he had with RF and how can Roger give him that? And yet he will be heartbroken if Roger says no and Roger had actually enjoyed the session… his hand is reaching for his phone and he fires off a quick text, “OK”

He’s about to leave when there’s an incoming message. Rafa. Immediately his mood lifts.

**What is it I have to say at the meeting again? The bit about the trustees?**

Suddenly Roger is useful again. Rafa is so keen to get everything right with his new marine protection charity but some of his existing staff are a bit doubtful about the project. He writes back a long reply on the importance of transparency in the governance of social enterprises and then adds a more personal message. He reads it again. No he can’t send that, it somehow expresses just how much Roger is missing him and what if Rafa felt pressured by that? He deletes the words and writes a more general good luck message instead. That’s much better. Send.

********************************************************

The High Ropes course had been more challenging than expected but the outing has been a great success. Roger has decided he can’t just accept the loss of Marco’s friendship and has been looking for activities that don’t involve too much talking, at least for a while. And it’s worked, Marco is laughing at the end of the course.

“You’re a complete and utter bastard getting me to do that. I’m nearly dead.”

“You’re just an unfit slob, you need more exercise”

“How about I phone your old friend Nico and give him your address?”

That actually sounds like a good idea, Roger could show Nico round the trophy room.

“Do that Marco, tell him he’s welcome any time”

“Always said you were a softie, you were far too nice to him over that restaurant thing. Come on, let’s get out of this stuff. Next time we just play squash OK?”

The words are still going round in Roger’s head as he drives home – why would RF do anything for that little fucker? Once home he has a look in the files. Oh, here it is – messages between Tony and RF:

 

**I’ve checked out the sob story Nico sent you and it’s actually true, he’s massively in debt and apparently his wife’s dumped him and taken the kids. From what you’ve told me I don’t see why you should help him – sounds like he deserves all he gets.**

Thanks for investigating . I already told him I’d do it – I wanted to shove a few trophies down his throat. Shame the sob story was true – I won’t be able to do that now.

**Do you want me to get you out it?**

No, I’ve said I’ll do it. Thanks anyway.

 

Roger still isn’t sure what Nico actually wanted but some more searching reveals the answer – photos of RF and Nico at the opening of Nico’s new restaurant. RF is smiling and, according to the newspaper, enjoying catching up with his old friend, and Nico looks much like Nico except older. He’s about to close things down when he spots another photo taken as RF was leaving the event, it’s just a snap from someone’s phone but it’s clear enough. RF is looking at the camera, his mouth is set in a thin line and his shoulders are slightly hunched. Roger suddenly realises that RF, like himself, has not forgotten one single taunt from the Nico of years ago

“Want to know the French for thicko, Federer….it’s spelt R-O-G-E “

“How do you know Federer’s about to cry? Because he’s breathing”

Roger finds himself speaking to the screen “Don’t you worry, mate, you fucking showed that twat, you made him eat every word, don’t let him get to you.”

What the hell is he doing, he’s really losing it, he shuts down the laptop and goes in search of his children.

 

***************************************

“Roger, the support from the Foundation is going to be so important for us, we’re going to help so many more people because of it”

Matt’s voice is full of enthusiasm. His charity helping people with mental health problems back into work is going to be the first to benefit from the Foundation’s new department. They’ve had a lot of applications but Roger liked Matt’s energy and clear purpose, it’s nice to be giving him the good news. Setting up the new division has actually been a positive pleasure, meeting new people as RF is easier than he expected. They’re always a bit overwhelmed at first but once he’s put them at their ease he can slide from being RF to being Roger without anyone noticing the difference. Perhaps some will even become friends, Matt for instance

“Do you want to discuss things over a quick lunch? I can get the chef to knock something up.”

Over lunch they play around with ideas for a launch event. Matt doesn’t seem overawed by being with the great Roger Federer and it actually feels like a normal conversation.

“How did you get involved with this Matt? The project clearly means a lot to you”

“It does.” Matt hesitates and then looks Roger straight in the eye. “My ex-boyfriend had a mental illness and when he started to recover we realised how hard it was – employers didn’t want to know him. And he was really well-qualified, imagine what it’s like for people without that. So yeah, it means a lot to me.”

“ That’s what impressed us so much, your commitment”

Matt laughs at that “A bit too much, if I put less into it I might actually be in a relationship. But it feels worth it now”

They carry on discussing the launch event, Matt is so easy to talk to and he’s attractive. Can Roger risk dropping even the slightest hint, in his old life he wouldn’t have hesitated for a moment, surely he can chance it… The reality of his situation hits him with a painful twist in his stomach, he brings the lunch to a close and then heads for his office. Fuck, fuck, he could still be enjoying the conversation, , maybe nothing would have come of it, maybe in a few hours time he and Matt might have been exploring each other’s bodies, who knows, but instead he’s alone in his office, forced to treat this nice attractive man as if he was a potential blackmailer. He wonders suddenly how Rafa has been coping with the same issue. Perhaps he should ask him? No, no, he’s in a good place right now, Roger can feel it through his calls and messages, musn’t disturb that. But it reminds him of Rafa’s latest message. His sponsors are talking about extending the Academy franchise, Rafa feels instinctively that it’s not a good idea but he wants to make sure. Roger opens up the file and starts to examine the proposal. Before too long he’s lost himself in work. It’s beginning to seem like the best answer to everything…….

****************************************************

 

“I’ve had a request from Rafa’s people asking if you’ll go to the launch of his new project. I think we should turn it down”

“No, I want to do that”

Tony frowns. “What are you going to get out of it?”

“Does there have to be something?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe he can come to Matt’s launch?”

“I suppose that would work. But there are already too many people convinced you’re having some secret affair, I don’t think you should look too cosy.”

This is harder than he’d expected. Normally his meetings with Tony go quite well, he now feels completely at home with RF’s business affairs and Tony seems somehow not to tread on eggshells around Roger like everybody else, it feels like if Roger upsets him too much he’ll just find another client. Somehow this makes it easier to be around him. But Roger has to be clear on this one – he’s not giving up two opportunities for a meet-up with Rafa.

“My decision, Tony”

“Your funeral, more like. Let’s move on. We need to start having proper discussions about handling the retirement, Roger, the date’s still a way off but there’s a lot to decide. I think you should play a charity match, what do you think?”

Definitely not. “I don’t want that. Can’t we just issue a statement – you know, I’ve had a great career, thank all my wonderful fans, goodbye?”

“No we can’t and that’s not the sort of comment I expect from you. Like it or not, a lot of people are going to be very upset by this and they deserve better than you acting like it’s nothing”.

More people that Roger is going to upset. The retirement had seemed like a promise of an easier life but is it? All the media, crying fans, he can just imagine….

He’s aware that Tony is offering him a glass of water.

“Roger, you’ve gone completely white, drink this.”.

He drinks the water and re-focuses. “OK, I guess a series of interviews or a press conference?”

“We’ll see. I’m more worried about you right now. You look exhausted, is there anything besides the retirement bothering you?”

Only being surrounded by people who wish he was someone else and keep asking what’s bothering him.

“No, not really”

“Then you should see your doctor. I’ve seen his account so make use of him”

As if he could help. “Will do, I promise. Can you set things up with Rafa’s team?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: Weirdly, in the latest CNN interview it appears that Federer may indeed be intending to mark retirement with a series of charity exhibition matches. Glad to know you're reading my fic Tony.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follows on almost straightaway from the last chapter.
> 
> By the way, if anyone thinks Mirka is being very tolerant over all the last few chapters there is a reason!
> 
> Warning: Brief description of anxiety, short but accurate as I know all too well!

Rafa’s launch has gone really well, he’s still buzzing with excitement. Roger is glad to have been part of it although he’s now very tired. He wonders if Rafa could be persuaded to leave the celebratory sex until the morning, it’s a bit pathetic but he really would prefer just to curl up with Rafa and go to sleep. Perhaps he’ll feel better after some more of his wonderful food – he goes into the kitchen to see what’s being prepared.

“That smells like the best yet”

Rafa turns round from the stove and smiles.

“I’ve added a little special something” He holds up a bottle of wine.

Roger looks at the label. “You’re using this in cooking? I hope there’s another bottle somewhere or I’m taking it off you right now”

“There’s a whole crate. Turns out the vineyard owner is a fan of mine”

“You mean a fan of Nadal’s.”

“Whatever. Funny, when I started up a restaurant I was struggling to pay for this stuff, now I’m amazingly rich I’m getting it for free”.

“Did you ever think you’d be running a restaurant?”

“No, I never thought about cooking when I was younger, just eating”

“That’s because you were wasting all your time running after tennis balls”

Rafa looks at him with sudden startling anger “I didn’t waste my time at all. All that hard work produced one of the greatest players ever. Maybe I never lifted the trophies but I played my part” He turns back to the stove and gives the pan a vicious stir.

“Rafa, I’m so sorry, I never meant….”

“Leave it. I’ve finished with this – pour yourself a glass” He hands the bottle to Roger but Roger’s hands are shaking, the bottle slips through them and smashes onto the floor.

“My fault, Roger – I’ll clear it up. Are you….

But Roger is hearing nothing. His heart is beating as if it’s about to explode, he can’t breathe, he’s in pain, there’s tingling all the way down his arms, this is it, he’s having a heart attack, he screams out to Rafa to help him, to do something. He sinks down onto the floor, this is it, this is the end…..

 

******************************************

“You had an anxiety attack, they are frightening, but there’s nothing physically wrong. Have you been under a lot of stress lately?”

The doctor’s voice is kind.

“Not particularly”

“Ever happened before?”

“No”

He asks a lot more questions about Roger’s state of mind which seem rather intrusive but he’s only doing his job so Roger tries to answer patiently. At last he’s finished.

“Well, this could be just a one-off but I’d recommend you see your own doctor back in Switzerland. There are breathing techniques you could learn that will help if it happens again. Meditation can also be useful”

Oh fuck, he’ll end up sounding like Novak.

“Thank you. I’ll do that” He scratches his arm absent-mindedly.

“Nasty scar you have there. How did you get it?”

“I fell on some broken glass”

“There are some new treatments that might help if it’s bothering you”

“It isn’t. Can I ask you to do something?”

“Of course”

“Can you tell Rafa what you’ve told me? I don’t want him to worry but I’d rather not talk about it myself”

“Certainly, if you want me to. But just to be clear on the confidentiality, you’re happy for me to tell him anything we discussed here?”

“Sure”

The doctor leaves and Roger is left to reflect on the evening. First he upsets Rafa, then he frightens him to death, now the doctor will explain that it was all in Roger’s head so he’ll look like a complete idiot. He should have listened to Tony.

*************************************

“Nothing physically wrong at all, just an anxiety attack, anyone can have one under the right circumstances. But I’ve recommended he see his own doctor to make sure it’s not part of a more general anxiety condition”

Rafa is extremely relieved. “I thought he was…” He can’t even articulate it

Angel smiles. “They do look terrifying, but they don’t do any physical damage. He’ll feel completely washed out for a while though. If you were planning on playing a match I wouldn’t’”

Angel has no idea how unlikely that is. Although Rafa hasn’t really known this doctor long he feels like he has. He’s easy to talk to.

“I understand. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Angel looks at him closely “Possibly. I must admit, I knew you guys were on good terms but you seem closer than that somehow. Am I right?”

“I care about him a lot”

“Then I’ll tell you there are a couple of things that worry me slightly. I’ve seen a lot of his matches obviously and he never seemed exactly shy of showing his emotions. The guy I’ve just seen I’d think of as someone who has his emotions almost on lockdown. That’s not what I’d expect”

“None of us are the same off court as we are on it.”

“True. But the difference seems quite extreme. Plus he’s had a bad injury to his arm at some point, that means nothing in itself, but he was obviously lying about how he got it”.

“Is that important?”

“I don’t know. But lying about these things usually doesn’t mean anything good. I’m stretching the confidentiality rules a bit here but I know I can trust you”.

“I’d be grateful for some advice. Should I be really worried?”

The doctor smiles and taps his hand reassuringly. “Don’t look so scared, I saw no sign of any imminent crisis, no signs of depression or anything like that. If you want to help I’d suggest just try and get him to talk to his own doctor, I have a feeling he’s going to ignore me”

As if Rafa will manage any better.

*********************************************************  
As soon as he sees Roger he realises that the doctor’s description of “completely washed-out” is an understatement.

“How are you feeling?”

“Extremely tired and very stupid. But fine apart from that. I’m so sorry about what I said, by the way and for scaring you half to death”

Rafa sits next to him and leans his head against his shoulder. “Roger, you’re going to have to toughen up if you’re going to be friends with a Spaniard. We speak first and think afterwards. And you’re OK, so forget about anything else”

“I would, but… I realise I never asked you how you feel about Nad…about your other self. I just assumed it was the same as me. I shouldn’t have”

“You’re up for talking about this now?”

“I might fall asleep at any moment, but go on”

Rafa takes some time to think about it. It feels important that he gets this right.

“I don’t feel like he’s a different person. When I’m with you I’m very Rafa because you’re the only person who knows him. When I’m with Mary or Toni I’m very Rafael. And I suppose with other people I’m more Nadal. But they’re all me.That’s the only way I can explain it. It was difficult at first, but now - it just feels easier.

“That makes sense, although I can’t imagine how you do that ”

“You’re only ever Roger?”

“Yes. I know how to act like RF, but I never feel like I am him. Maybe just once, but that’s all”

It feels significant but Rafa doesn’t know where he goes from here. It doesn’t matter because Roger’s clearly reached his limit of wanting to talk about his feelings. “Let’s leave it for now. I was never this tired even after five setters”

“Bed?”

“Let me get ready first. Once I lie down I’ll be gone in about five minutes.”

It doesn’t even take as long as that. Once Rafa’s sure he’s well away he goes back downstairs, he needs to eat for one thing. His laptop is winking at him, there’s a message from Benito:

**Photos and press from today for you. I know I had my doubts about all this but the coverage is fabulous. Thank Roger for me please, he put in a huge effort as always.**

Rafa had almost forgotten about the day’s events but he’s keen to see the photos. Soon he wishes he hadn’t. What a great friend you are Rafa Nadal, Roger looks a bit less tired than he does right now but not that much. Despite that, he’d chatted to people for hours and given them his best RF charm, as he would have put it. And Rafa had taken it all completely for granted. He thinks back over Roger’s phone calls and messages. Sorting out Rafa’s business affairs, remembering everything about Rafa’s life, never failing to sound interested. Just so Rafa can yell at him over nothing at all….

He no longer has much appetite.

************************************************************************

 

In the morning Rafa is relieved to see that Roger seems quite a lot better. He still looks tired but he’s clearly recovered some energy.

“That was a fantastic night’s sleep, it must be the sea air”

“Food? Should I bring something up?”

“Yes and no. I hate food in bed. We’re definitely coming back after though”

Rafa doesn’t want to spoil the atmosphere after they’ve eaten but he can’t not talk about yesterday and there isn’t much time. Roger’s plane goes in a couple of hours.

“Roger, I was looking at the photos from yesterday and you looked really tired. I know what Angel said about you seeing your own doctor.”

“Honestly, I’m just tired from the evening but that’s all. And seeing the doctor…it’s just one more person I’d have to lie to.”

“But I’m talking about before the evening… I mean, is something bothering you?”

“Only that we’re wasting time. I would feel a whole lot better if we just went upstairs and made up for what we missed last night”.

“You have enough energy?”

“I’m not up for everything. But I’m sure we’ll manage”

Afterwards there’s very little time before Roger has to go. As soon as he’s gone Rafa reflects that while he has no idea what he could have done instead, there is no doubt that he has completely failed.

 

****************************************************************


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story is completely written right up to the end so will probably post chapters every couple of days, I could do it all at once but I'm just hating letting it go really!
> 
> Everything that happens in the story has a meaning for the ending now.

“Breathe…. 1 2 3 4……Hold……1 2 3 4 Out…. 1 2 3 4.

Roger has no idea how this will actually help should he ever have another terrifying anxiety attack but his research has told him this is the recommended approach so – Breathe 1 2 3 4…. Hold….1 2 3 After a couple more attempts he decides he’s practised enough for the day – perhaps he’ll get the hang of it tomorrow. He doesn’t have that many options - therapy is clearly impossible, pills would mean talking to a doctor, meditation definitely not – breathing exercises it will have to be.

Because he obviously needs to do something – he’s looked at the photos from Rafa’s launch and realised he does indeed look like he hasn’t slept for a week .And the anxiety attack had really been horrible - the morning after he’d woken up feeling like he’d been thrown out of a window and then run over by a truck. Somehow he’d managed to hold himself together long enough to convince Rafa he was feeling better – he’d frightened him so much already he couldn’t cause him any more worry - but it had been a close call and definitely something he can’t risk happening again. They don’t get many opportunities to spend time together and that weekend was largely wasted. And then there are all the other people in his life he has to think about.… 

None of this is getting him anywhere. With relief he realises it’s time for a Foundation meeting, he’s been thinking hard about more areas for expansion. He does need to cut back on work a bit – probably that was why he was getting tired- still, he really enjoys everything he does with the Foundation – that doesn’t count as work surely?

******************************************

“Did you see the doctor like I suggested?”

“Yes”

“And?”

“He said there was nothing wrong. Just cut down at work a bit and try to relax more” 

That sounds like the sort of thing a doctor would say doesn’t it?

“And are you feeling any better?”

Really, is this what Tony was like with RF – interfering in his life all the time?

“I only saw him last week”

“Well I hope it works. You’ll need to be 100% when we hit full swing on the retirement stuff. We’re supposed to be promoting the whole “wonderful new stage of your life” thing – it won’t work if you’re looking like crap.”

“We could always just put out a statement, like I wanted to do in the first place.”

“I already explained why we can’t do that. You want to keep your fans onside”

Does he? Less love from the fans would mean a freer life afterwards. But no, even just pretending to be RF for these last few months has shown him what RF means to his fans. Roger knows he won’t be able to hurt them and they don’t demand much from him really. They’re usually happy with a smile and a kind word, it’s not like Mirka and Seve and….

“Roger, are you listening to me at all?”

“Sorry, Tony. Of course you’re right – the fans do deserve more than that.”

“I was asking you about this promo you’re doing with Rafa. I haven’t heard from his team”

“The charity are organising things with them”

“You cut me out of it?”

“Of course not, it’s just Matt wanted to handle it himself.” Nothing at all to do with it being easier to arrange some alone time with Rafa this way.

“Well, I suppose it’s saved me a job .And you got some great publicity out of that last trip, people loved seeing you be concerned about the environment. Only fair for me to admit I got that wrong”

Roger is touched by that, it makes him realise that despite everything he could get fond of Tony. Some of his favourite colleagues in his old life had been people with similar personalities. “You see, you should trust me more”.

Tony smiles “As if I ever didn’t trust you. Get your thing done with Rafa and then let’s do some serious retirement planning OK?”

 

*********************************************************

 

The formalities are nearly over and Rafa is looking forward to getting the promised alone time. Smart of Roger to work out that bypassing his usual team meant they could snatch this space before Rafa’s plane leaves. The subterfuge is actually really hot – Rafa’s already got a good idea of what he wants….

“I just wanted to say again thanks for today – you wouldn’t believe what a difference it’s going to make.”

Rafa shifts rather uncomfortably in his seat as Matt’s voice breaks in on his thoughts.

“No, it was a pleasure. You’re obviously doing great work here”

“This is a whole new level though. I never dreamed of anything like this, people like you and Roger giving up your time for me”. 

Rafa gives him an encouraging smile, he seems like a nice guy. “I think this is the exactly the type of project Roger wanted to support so be proud”

Matt smiles a little ruefully. “He’s been incredible. Trouble is I feel a bit guilty about it” - Rafa is suddenly aware that Matt has overcome his nerves with a little bit too much of the excellent wine (Rafa’s own suggestion and yet another free gift) –“I was always a big fan of you rather than him”

“Oh”

“Yeah, I feel bad because I always thought he was a bit smooth and full of himself, you know? But he’s not like that at all”

“No, he isn’t”

“I know that now. Can I be really embarrassing and ask you for an autograph?”

“Of course”

Matt gets called over for photographs and soon after that Roger manages to break free.

“Not much longer to go now, there’s a guest room in the building so we’ll go there and talk”

“Just talk?”

“I was hoping not just talk”

“So was I. By the way, I think your friend Matt has a crush on me”

“Does he? Tell him to get lost, you’re mine for the next couple of hours”

“Don’t worry. And he did say how much he liked you as well”

“The whole world likes RF.”

“No, actually you, turns out he wasn’t a fan of yo…of RF’s”

Oh God, has he said the wrong thing – Roger looks a bit – Rafa checks there’s no one looking and strokes his hand.

“You OK?”

Roger smiles, a little shakily, “Of course, it’s just nice to hear that. I’ll wrap things up and we can go”

**************************************

They don’t waste much time once they reach the guest room - Rafa’s always been a fan of a slow build up but today he knows he just wants to get fucked, and fast. It’s raw but it feels good, better than good.

“Not your usual style, Raf.”

“Any complaints?”

“None at all.” He wraps himself a bit closer around Rafa and shuts his eyes. Rafa waits a few moments then gives him a gentle nudge.

“We’ve only got a short time and you’re going to spend it sleeping?”

“Sorry, this just feels comfortable” He shifts a little. “Did Toni stop complaining about you coming here?”

“Eventually. He knows now I mean what I say. Roger, I realised on the last trip, I never thanked you, you spent hours listening to me talking about Toni and everything. I would have killed him if I hadn’t been able to vent.”

“That’s OK, it always made sense for us to support each other”

“Yes but I’m not sure I’ve always given it back. I mean, I don’t really know how things are with Mirka and your team.”

“They’re OK, I don’t make as many mistakes as I used to so it’s a bit easier than it was”

“Doesn’t sound that great”

“Well, I’m not who they really want, am I? There’s nothing I can do about that. But I don’t want to think about RF when I’m with you”

Should he try and make him talk? He has no idea, but he can feel Roger tensing up against him. 

“What did you think of the wine?”

“I think I’d have liked to visit your restaurant – you know what you’re doing” But he can’t keep the conversation going for long and this time Rafa lets him sleep. It’s peaceful but he’s worried – he’d expected to see Roger looking fully recovered from the last trip. He only wakes him when it’s time to go.

“Fuck, Rafa, why did you let me sleep so long?”

“Sorry, you looked like you needed it. Roger, I know it’s not easy for us to talk to doctors and people but don’t you think it would be a good idea? It’s great between me and Angel now - it’ll be the same for you, honestly.”

“I’m fine, I just need to cut back on work a bit”

“You’re sure that’s enough?”

“Of course, don’t worry about me. You’re going to miss your plane”.


	13. Chapter 13

“I know it can’t be just a statement but if we leave a week’s gap between that and the interviews it will give people time to get used to it first.”

Tony isn’t going to give up.

“We’re going to get hounded by the press as soon as the statement goes out. Why not get it all over with at once?”

Because Roger hates all the fuss there’s going to be and this gives him another week.

“I just think it would be better”

“How about a three day gap? I don’t want to waste any more time on this”

Roger hasn’t got the energy to continue arguing “OK, three days”. It’s better than nothing.

“Good. I think we should have a press conference, then some one-to-ones and one long in-depth interview. Should we give Rene Stauffer that one? I think he’d be a good choice.”

It is a good choice. Rene had always been kind to him.

“Yes, I agree. Ask him to do it”

“Not much doubt he’ll say yes. I’ll start setting all this up. And I still like the idea of a charity match.”

Does he ever give up?

“I’ve said before, no”

“You’re putting so many hours into the Foundation – and don’t feed me that crap about cutting down on work – I thought you’d want to help them.”

Is Tony trying to guilt trip him?

“How many times do I have to say it? No”

Suddenly Tony looks weary. “OK, forget it. You know Roger, this isn’t really how I wanted us to handle your retirement. I know it’s a big change but I thought there’d be some excitement about it. It’s hard for me to accept”

Great. Even Tony, whose brutal efficiency Roger has come to rely on, is showing how disappointed he is in him. Soon there’ll only be Rafa left, how long before Rafa… he’d upset him in Majorca hadn’t he ….. Breathe 1 2 3 4 Hold 1 2 3 4. It helps a bit, at least for long enough to get him out of the room.

“It’s my choice how we do this. Just get everything set up.”

 

***************************************************

“Papa, tell us again about the time when you couldn’t speak French.”

Roger smiles. For some reason Myla and Charlene love hearing about all the silly things he used to say when he couldn’t speak French properly. He tells them again his highly selective account of life at Ecublens.

He has begun to think more seriously about the children’s future. Up to now he’s been so focussed on making sure they see no real difference in their father that he hasn’t really looked at their daily routine and their education. They seem perfectly happy and whilst they giggle at the silly mistakes he occasionally makes about their lives they’ve done nothing to indicate they find him a different person. It has been very easy to let their routines just carry on as normal. But do things need to change after his retirement?

“Girls do you have any of your schoolbooks here? Can you show them to me?”

“Lessons are boring Papa, why do you want to know about them?”

“Because it’s important. Go and get them please”

They fetch them reluctantly. Roger can see why as soon as he looks at them. This is not the standard they will need to enter a good Swiss school. Maths, German – do they even speak Hochdeutsch properly? How will they cope? And the Maths….

“What is this? These are baby sums, surely you can do harder sums than this?”

They look a little uncertain. “We don’t know, Papa, we do the work we’re told to do”

“But I know you can do much better. This German book looks like something Leo and Lenny might write”.

Myla is the first to cry, then Charlene. The noise is enough to bring Mirka into the room.

“What’s going on?”

“Papa’s being mean, he says we’re not clever enough”

“I didn’t say……..”

“Girls, can you go upstairs please, I’ll talk to Papa about this. Go on now”

They look all too happy to escape.

“What on earth is going on?”

“I looked at their schoolbooks – they’re way behind other Swiss kids their age, Mirka”

“We don’t compare them to other Swiss kids. We’ve always had different priorities for their education. Look how many languages they speak.”

“I know but ….”

Mirka sits down next to him.

“Roger, it’s one thing you being weird with me but now the kids…we can’t go on like this.”

Oh no, this is not a conversation he wants to have

“Surely I can be concerned about their education?” RF must have been – he doesn’t like everything about RF but he had obviously been a good father.

“It’s not that” She pauses to gather her thoughts together. “When you’re around the kids you’ve always been like yourself. So I could believe that things would get back to normal some day. But they’re not going to are they?”

He really, really doesn’t want to talk about this.

“I know I haven’t been myself lately but I have tried to protect you….”

She’s almost shouting now. “I don’t want you to _protect me_ , Roger, if you feel like shit I want to know so I can help, like I always have”

Except she’d helped Him hadn’t she, Roger had never expected her to solve his problems, he’d handled them himself, like an adult.

“It’s just the retirement, things will be better after that”. Fuck, that’s pathetic. She’s never going to believe that.

She doesn’t. “I don’t want to discuss things now with the retirement week coming up. You need to focus on that. But afterwards we need to look at ourselves – if you can’t explain to me what’s wrong, maybe we go to counselling or something. But I’m not going to keep on pretending things are OK”

She leaves him alone with his thoughts, which he doesn’t welcome. Counselling - a stranger poking around in his mind, having to lie constantly…. But refusing could well mean the end of his marriage and hurting Mirka far more deeply than he had the first time. There really is no good end to this…..

*********************************************************


	14. Chapter 14

“We’re almost ready to go now Roger, just making sure everything’s right with the screen”

“Sure, no need to rush”

He is sitting in the TV studio waiting for Rene to start. Tony is close by making sure everything is to his liking. Roger isn’t exactly looking forward to this but once he’s done it his retirement events are officially over. He can’t think about what comes after. The last week has been a bit of a blur: the first day he had a blizzard of messages from people he either didn’t know or knew years ago. Some have been kind, others are clearly upset that he hadn’t told them the news himself. But he’s survived, Tony has done an amazing job protecting him from the worst.

The earlier interviews weren’t too bad, it was a strain being RF for long periods but he made no major errors. Tony thinks he could have looked more energised but seems reasonably happy. Roger has been able to send encouraging messages to Rafa who will have to go through this himself soon. Only got to get through this one….

“Are you happy with this angle?” Rene twists the screen on which he’s going to show clips of RF’s matches.

“Yes, that’s fine” He wonders if it could be moved so he can’t see it, but no, he’ll need to know what Rene is talking about.

“All set.” Rene drinks some water and then starts “Roger, Let’s go from the beginning. How did you start playing tennis?”

This first part is easy. Roger has checked what RF has said about their early years and it’s accurate enough, although he’s never been specific on the details about what went on at Ecublens. It’s a good start to the interview.

“Of course the first big moment in your career was your win over Sampras at Wimbledon. Here it is now.”

Roger had known this would be a tough moment but it doesn’t make it any easier. RF is crying the tears Roger had had to force back, soon he’ll be off celebrating….

“How did you feel after that match Roger? You must have been overwhelmed”

“Yes, I was”. That part is true anyway. “As I’ve said before, I knew then that all the hard work was worthwhile.”

“It took you another two years to win your first Grand Slam though. Was that longer than you expected?”

He hasn’t prepared for this question – he takes some time to think about it.

“There was a lot of pressure on me after that win. It took me a while to adjust to the expectations”

Does that sound plausible? Rene seems satisfied and moves on.

“And of course, that first Grand slam win came at Wimbledon in 2003. Here you are lifting the trophy…”

Except he hadn’t – wasn’t that Andy’s first win? What was Roger doing then – revising the laws of corporate tax privileges probably. The thought proves oddly comforting as Rene whisks him through the next couple of years of endless trophy lifting. Plenty of people thought he’d never pass those difficult exams. Maybe he never fulfilled his childhood dreams but he hadn’t wasted away his life in regrets, he’d achieved something.

“How do you feel about those years now?”

“I think I worked very hard to achieve what I did” Rene looks like he’s expecting something more. “Of course it was wonderful”

“The only serious rival you had in those years was Rafael Nadal, of course. We’ve got your first match together here ”

There is Rafa on screen, looking unbelievably young. Roger’s smile is genuine here. He forgets this is Nadal.

“He looks so sweet there, doesn’t he?”

Rene looks a little startled and Roger tries to think of a more RF like response

“I could see he was a special talent right away”.

“Of course he was a serious rival on clay from the beginning but when did you realise he would be a threat on other surfaces as well?”

Shit, another one he hasn’t prepared for. What would be a good year?

“2006”

Rene nods. “The first of your three Wimbledon Finals together.” There are images from the first two Finals, Rafa looking really cool and RF wearing that ridiculous get-up. Rafa must have been heartbroken after the second match, Roger can only hope RF said something nice to him at the net..

“Of course your third Final has been called the Greatest Match of all time”

There it is, that cardigan. Fuck, how he hates that cardigan.

“How hard was it to come to terms with that defeat?”

Not at all. “It was disappointing but Rafa deserved to win” Rene looks like he’s expecting something more so he glances back at the screen. Actually, if you ignore the cardigan RF does look dignified and heartbroken at the same time, you can really feel for him here. “It took me a while to get over it of course”

“Then of course you met again in Australia, a match famous for its closing ceremony…”

Roger knows what happened here but he’s never watched it all the way through; there he is looking like a complete idiot crying in front of the world and there’s Rafa, who should be celebrating a great victory, putting his arm around him just like he always does when he thinks Roger is upset. If only Rafa were here now.

“That seemed to really touch people, what happened there. How do you feel about it now?”

How does he feel?

“I…he….I completely ruined it for him.” How would Rafa ever forgive him for that? “That was his moment not mine”.

Did he actually say that out loud? The look on Rene’s face leaves no doubt.

“Sorry, can we cut that bit?”

“Of course. Try again”

“The occasion got to me but of course I regret that it overshadowed Rafa’s victory”

Thankfully Rene moves on to the French Open victory – Roger is well-prepared here and he breathes a bit more freely. He’ll get there – must be over half way now surely.

“Wimbledon of that year was hugely significant because it was your record breaking fifteenth slam. Can you put that in context for us- what it meant to you?

He’s there on screen, smiling, wearing that dreadful outfit, knowing that he’s crushed Andy’s dreams. Was RF sorry about what he did to Andy, did he have any feelings about it at all?

“Roger?”

“Of course I felt for Andy.” No you didn’t or you would have let him have this one, what did it matter to you, hadn’t you won enough, Andy must have been disappointed in you just like everyone else is …shit…can’t breathe….oh no

“Roger, do you need a break?”

Rene’s hand is on his arm but Roger can’t speak, he puts his head on his knees to try and control himself and stop the rising panic, this can’t happen again.

“Can I get you something?”

Roger manages to lift his head and find his voice

“Can I have some water?”

Almost instantly there’s a glass in his hand. It’s cold and that seems to help, he drinks the water and breathes a little more freely. Rene goes over to speak to Tony and then returns. Roger is slightly more in control of himself now.

“Sorry about that, must be the heat from the cameras”

“Could be. I think you should go home and rest, we can re-film in a couple of days.”

Go through this again? Oh no, he needs to get it done now.

“Can we try again? I’d really like to be finished today.”

“No. You don’t look well at all. There’s no way we’ll get something fit for broadcast. Tony and I will re-arrange – it’s no problem to do it again”

There’s no point in arguing. Tony arranges for someone to drive him home and thankfully Mirka and the kids are out so he doesn’t have to give any explanations. What a colossal fuck-up. He hadn’t wanted to do the interview and now he’ll have to do it again. Don’t think about that now. He switches his phone off – he can’t bear to speak to anybody - and puts on a movie. It’s not particularly good but at least it’s a distraction. He switches his phone back on after it’s over– he shouldn’t really cut himself off when the kids might need him - and there’s a message from Rafa.

**“How did the filming go?”**

What version of the truth should he tell him?

**“There was a bit of an issue so we’re going to re-film. Something didn’t work”**

**“That’s a shame. Are you OK?”**

He types an answer. God, did he really type that? He moves to delete it yet somehow his hand is not obeying the instruction, can’t press Send… he mustn’t…he mustn’t…..

 

**************************************************************

Mallorca, two hours earlier

**Rafa,**

**I’m sending you the video of the interview that Roger shot today. Of course it will not be broadcast.**

**None of us have any idea what’s happening to Roger or any idea how to help. We can’t reach him. I’ve noticed that the only time he seems at all like himself is after he’s seen you.**

**I don’t know if you can do anything to help but please try.**

**Tony.**

Rafa reads this a couple of times before he watches the video. It’s not easy. He can’t bear to see the pain on Roger’s face as he describes taking away Rafa’s moment. But what is he supposed to do? Roger may be closer to Rafa than he is to other people but that doesn’t mean he really lets Rafa in to his mind. But how can he not try…

“Are you OK, Rafael?”

Mary’s voice is worried. He sighs.

“Mary, what would you do if you were the only person who could help someone but you had no idea how and you think you might make everything worse?

“You want a simple answer to that?”

“Yes, please”

“You can’t give me any more details?”

”No”

“Then I’d say you try and do something. Whatever it is”

“And what if I make things worse?”

“I know you Rafael. You’ll live more easily with yourself if you try and fail than if you don’t try at all. That’s why I say – try something”

“You’re right, thank you, it means a lot.”

“Don’t mention it”

He needs to think for a while so he goes to his favourite spot in the house, where he can hear the sea. After that he has a plan although no certainty that it will do any good. He takes out his phone and writes:

**“How did the filming go?”**

**“There was a bit of an issue so we’re going to re-film. Something didn’t work”**

**“That’s a shame. Are you OK?”**

It’s a while before the answer comes and when it does it shocks him but at least he has no more doubts about what to do.

**“No, not really”**

 

********************************************


	15. Chapter 15

Rafa takes a moment on the plane to check his messages just to make sure everything is in order. It hadn’t taken him long to compose his message to Roger:

**I’m coming as soon as I can. Will send you the details when I have them.**

And to receive the inevitable reply:

**You don’t need to do that, I’ll be fine. Just had a bit of a stressful day that’s all. Please don’t put yourself out like that, there’s no need.**

He had taken no notice of this and instead sent a long message to Tony, who had handled everything with his usual efficiency.

**Rafa, I have a plane waiting for you at the airport. When you get to Switzerland there’ll be a driver who will take you wherever you need to go. I’ve made sure no-one will see you arrive and the driver is completely to be trusted. He will have your order ready for you. Thanks**

Only after this is sorted does he reply to Roger:

**Sorry, I didn’t get your message until it was too late. I’ll be going to the Foundation building so we can talk privately, I’ll arrive at about 9 pm hopefully. If that’s not possible send me details of where else we can meet.**

Eventually there is a reply:

**I’m so sorry you’ve been put to all this trouble. Yes, we can meet at the Foundation, buzz the entrance and I’ll let you in.**

And that is it, all the practicalities sorted. He has no idea what he is going to say or how to say it and he knows he might make everything worse. Apart from that he has nothing to worry about.

***********************************************

Rafa is incredibly relieved to hear approaching footsteps after he’s rung the buzzer. He’d had a horrible fear that Roger woudn’t be there.

“Rafa, I’m so sorry you didn’t get the message in time, you’ve come all this way.”

“Doesn’t matter, I’m here now”

Roger breaks into a smile. “Well, I’m not sorry to see you. Let’s go to the guestroom”

“I just need to get a couple of things from the kitchen first. Where is it?”

In the guestroom Rafa is able to have a good look at him. He hadn’t thought Roger could look more strained than he had in the video but it seems it is possible.

“How are you feeling?”

“Honestly, fine, I don’t know why I sent that message, it was just a bad moment”

“You aren’t fine, Roger, you haven’t been fine for ages. I’m fine, mainly because of you and the way you’ve watched out for me ever since we landed in this mess, but you aren’t. I don’t know if I can do anything to help but I’m going to try”

“Really, I’m fine….”

“I’m not listening” He unwraps the package he is carrying and hands Roger a bottle.

“Who did you kill to get hold of this?”

“You don’t want to know. I get that you hate talking about your feelings and I don’t think I’ll be a great therapist either but there’s no-one else you can talk to is there? So me it is. Here.” He hands Roger the corkscrew and a glass.

“You’re going to get me completely wrecked and find out all my secrets?”

“That’s the idea”.

“What if I say no?”

“Then I take away the bottle. Bear in mind it’s a 2002”

Roger shrugs and then laughs but he opens the bottle and pours himself a glass. He sits back on the bed.

“Fire away.”

Where does he start?

“What happened today?”

“I got a bit upset during the filming and they had to stop.”

“Why did you get upset?”

A long pause. “It was hard seeing RF’s life on screen like that. Seeing all the matches he’d won, what he’d achieved – it was harder than I thought.”

It’s not too far from the truth, at least Roger is opening up a little. Should he push things a bit? He’s operating blind really.

“You told me once you never feel like RF”

“Yes”

“But you were the same person once” Is that the right thing to say? “There must be…things you share”.

Rafa can feel the tension level rising.

“I suppose so. But…. I guess the years we didn’t share changed us both too much” He takes a drink. “Amazing stuff, Rafa”

Rafa lets him enjoy it for a moment

“Why don’t you like him?”

Oh, no, he can see Roger’s hands shaking slightly and he puts down the glass so he can fit them between his knees. Rafa has an almost irresistible urge to take him in his arms but he can’t, this is what he’d decided on the plane, he must find a way to let Roger say whatever it is he needs to say.

“I’m sure he’s a good person, he loved Mirka and the children, he put loads of work into the Foundation, but … he just seems childish”

“Because of the crying?”

“Yes, and the stupid outfits…and…the people around him…. It feels like they made all his decisions for him. Why didn’t he make those decisions for himself, he was an adult.”

This is close to how Rafa feels about Toni.

“I can understand that”

Roger seems encouraged by this. ”They’re just always on at me how I have to talk to them and if they don’t say it I can feel it, you know? I don’t know what they want me to say and if I try it just comes out wrong. And I know all the time they’d rather it wasn’t me there…” He stops. Rafa had known this would be hard but he hadn’t quite realised how hard, it’s like the pain is seeping through his own body now. Come on Rafa, you can’t just let Roger keep tearing himself up like this, there must be something you can say to help, this is why you’re here.

“Maybe it would help if you liked him more? There are things about him that seem nice.”

He can see from Roger’s face that was a massive mistake. Shit, shit.

“I’m sure there are Rafa, why don’t you tell me about them? You’ve seen as much of him as I have.”

Fuck, he has no idea what to say here.

“He plays incredible tennis”

Roger’s face doesn’t give much away. “Anything else? Please enlighten me.”

This is all going wrong.

“I don’t know, Roger, maybe that’s the only nice thing about him, I don’t know”

It seems to have been the right thing to say. Roger’s face eases up slightly. He releases his hands and picks up the glass again. Rafa lets him have another break, they chat for a while about other things, then he tries a different approach.

“You and Mirka, in your real life you’re divorced?”

“Yes”

“But in this life you’re trying to hold on to the marriage?”

“I don’t want to hurt her”

“Like you did in your real life?”

“Not really. We’d drifted apart anyway – she was upset but not destroyed. We were good friends afterwards”

“And you didn’t want a new relationship?”

“No. I was enjoying myself too much”

“You miss that?”

“I miss the freedom” Suddenly he smiles in that way Rafa too rarely sees, where his whole face shines with it, “but I don’t miss the sex as much as I might have”.

Rafa feels tears spring to his eyes, stop it, you idiot, this isn’t about you.

“You don’t think RF….you don’t think he had the same needs as you?”

Roger seems willing to think about this. “I don’t know. He and Mirka – maybe things were different for them. Perhaps he didn’t need anyone else” He pauses. ”One more thing he did better than me.”

Shit, Rafa has to get his mind off this, Roger will soon refuse to say any more, he can sense he’s reaching his limits. Should they have a break? He notices Roger scratching his arm. Didn’t Angel have something to say about that?

“How did you hurt your arm, Roger?”

Oh fuck, the look in his eyes, but he answers calmly enough “I fell on some broken glass”

“But it’s on the top of your arm”

“So?”

“You couldn’t fall on glass and cut yourself there.”

“Get out”

“What?”

“I don’t want you poking around in my mind anymore. You want to know what’s wrong with me? Everyone wanting me to be someone I’m not. Even you. When do I ever do this to you? When do I tell you how much better you’d be if you said No at the end of every sentence? Or how you’d look better in sleeveless shirts? Just get out”

“But Roger, I don’t……”

“GET OUT” He picks up the glass and throws it at the wall where it smashes, leaving red streaks along the wall. He stares at it, then turns around and buries his head in the pillow. Rafa gets up from the chair but he hesitates – should he go to Roger or will that make things worse? Whilst he’s wondering Roger’s head emerges briefly.

“I told you, I can’t stand this anymore. Just go.”

Rafa goes. He finds an empty office with a chair and table and lets his head fall onto his arms. He’d taken the risk that he might make everything worse and now he has. He’d told himself he had to try even if he might fail but now he finds that thought is no comfort at all. What was he trying to achieve, acting like a fucking therapist? He should have come here, cooked Roger some nice food and taken him to bed. Roger would have loved that, they had had a week on the boat where they had fun and ate and drank and fucked and it was wonderful. Now he’ll think Rafa is the same as everyone else in his life, those people who want him to change and be someone else. He will no longer be the person who makes Roger happy, he's thrown that away without even realising what he had. How could he have made such a mess of things, been so blind? Stupid, stupid idiot.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the story now. Hope you've all found it interesting.
> 
> For anyone who's wondering whether to embark on their own first fiction - do it, it's a lot of fun, you'll understand much more about how hard it is for your own favourite writers to produce what they do and you'll learn a lot more about yourself. I can see so many bits in this story that are from the things I love - from favourite books to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You never realise how much those things are a part of you. But tell the story YOU want to tell and in the way you want to tell it. Make every sentence as good as YOU can get it - then you'll be proud of it no matter how many likes you get. If anyone wants to start by telling the Rafa side of this story properly then feel free - I'd love to read it!!
> 
> If anyone has enjoyed the story please leave a comment.
> 
> Many thanks

It feels like Rafa’s been sat there forever but eventually his phone beeps. A message from Roger.

**If you’re still here come back, I’m sorry. Bring another glass**

His relief is indescribable. This time he’s going to get it right, he knows exactly what to do. He’s going to go back, apologise, and promise Roger he’ll never ask him another question ever again, he’s going to give him touch and affection and laughter and nothing else.

Roger doesn’t let him start. “Rafa, I shouldn’t have screamed at you like that, it wasn’t your fault. Fuck, if I wasn’t me I’d probably prefer him too. Did you bring a glass?”

Rafa puts it on the table next to the wine, sits on the bed and then tries to form his apology. But it doesn’t seem to be working, he’s sensing a different feeling within himself. Annoyance. Oh no, this isn’t what he needs right now. But it bursts out from him.

“Roger, I can’t talk about anyone else but I don’t know why you have this fucking stupid idea about me. You’re driving me fucking insane. I do like RF, I admit it, he’s… cute, he has nice curls, he laughs all the time, his tennis is amazing. But I like the person who always listens to me, who remembers every detail of my life because he doesn’t want me to be lonely, I like…. the person who can’t bear to hurt anybody even when it’s not his fault,… what else… I like the person who thinks corporate structures are interesting, I like the person who’ll fuck anyone who moves, I like the person who makes me feel I’m giving him the best sex he’s ever had, I like…. Oh shit… I didn’t mean…don’t do that…come here…it’s OK, I’m sorry, it’s OK……”

****************************************

A long time later Roger disentangles himself from Rafa’s arms and straightens up.

“I don’t actually fuck anyone who moves”

“Never?”

“Well, not now. Do I really bore you with corporate structures?”

“It’s worse when you go on about ethical governance”

“You were asking me about my arm”

“No, Roger, forget it …I had no right”

“No, no, you probably think I got it murdering someone or something like that. Better you ask”

“You were in an accident?”

“No”

“Someone hurt you?”

“No”

“It was…I don’t know the word… a prank, a game that went wrong?”

“No”

“Then how… I don’t understand?”

“Think about it Rafa”

It starts to dawn on him “Oh, Roger, you didn’t do it…

So Roger tells him.

It had seemed like so much blood he’d gone into a complete panic. Probably there wasn’t as much as he thought but he couldn’t think straight. Eventually he’d wrapped a couple of towels around his arm and run out into the street, fortunately it was a busy road and he’d managed to stop a taxi. At the hospital the nurse had pretended to believe that it was an accident but she’d said a few times how lucky he was, he could have cut a tendon and done permanent damage or even worse if he’d cut a vein. And those words had taken so long to fade, every time he’d felt himself getting upset during a match they’d come back to him like a whisper in his ear. “What will you do next time, maybe you’ll really hurt yourself” Eventually the fears had lessened but far too late for his tennis career.

There is a long silence

“So that was why you left tennis”

For what feels like the first time Roger considers this calmly, perhaps exhaustion has briefly wiped out the pain of it.

“There were always people saying I wouldn’t make it, that I didn’t have the mentality, I was too _highly-strung_ and all that. After what I did to myself I guess I just believed them, it proved they were right really didn’t it? RF must have found a way to shut them out – maybe he just never reached the bottom like I did.”

Rafa looks devastated. It almost seems funny.

“Rafa, you were the one who wanted me to open up about this stuff. Don’t look like that now”

Rafa smiles back weakly.

“I guess I just expected you to talk about bullying or something”

Roger certainly doesn’t want to tell him about Nico. There are limits. He realises that he’s completely drained of energy and feels like shit, surely it’s enough.

“Have we done enough now? Can we go to bed? To sleep, I mean”

“Come on”

****************************************************

As usual Roger is asleep within two minutes, curled up against Rafa in the way that always makes him wish that time would just stop. Especially right now. Sure, he’s learnt things about Roger tonight but the problems are still there, will talking really have helped? Might Roger even be less strong than he was before? What if Rafa has made him go through all that for nothing? Will he hate Rafa for that? What damage will that do to them both? Too late to worry about all that now.

************************************************

Roger is the first to stir, but he lets Rafa sleep on. It’s good to have some time to think anyway. Eventually he nudges him awake.

“I have to go back soon. Don’t sleep it all away”

Rafa is instantly awake. “How are you feeling?”

“Don’t start that again”

“I just meant – bit less tired?”

“I think that’s going to take some time” He sits up. “I want to say thank you though. I know everything’s still there. But my head feels clearer.”

Rafa sits up and then leans over to kiss him. “That’s good”

What Roger needs to say is harder than anything he said during the night. He puts his hands between his knees. “Rafa, I….shared things with you that I’ve never…. and I… I think I’m glad I did… but… I can’t be alone with those things now. I don’t want to…to put pressure on you, if you ever don’t want all this we can just be friends, that’s fine, but you …you have to be…I mean… I’m going to need you in my life OK?”

He feels Rafa’s head bury itself in his shoulder- he can feel him shaking. Eventually Rafa lifts his head.

“I’m …always, you know?”.

“Thank you. Have we done enough talking now? Could you just fuck me?”

“You’re such a romantic, Roger.”

“But you’ll do it anyway?”

“Are you sure? That was a tough night you had.”

“Don’t start treating me like a child, I can handle it if you say no”

“I’m not going to say no. But you have to speak English this time”

“I thought you liked Swiss German.”

“I do. But I want to know how you feel when I touch you. I want to know if you like this?”

“I like that very much”

“Or this?”

“Even better. But maybe also just there……

Afterwards there isn’t much time before Roger has to leave. Back to everything that’s waiting for him, but he’s a bit more ready to face it.

“I’ll have to redo the interview and then Mirka will need me to talk. It’s going to be hard”

Rafa squeezes his hand. Then he frowns.

“Roger, I didn’t think of it before. Why do you have that scar?”

“I told you last night”

“Yes, but look” He holds up his hand. “A couple of years ago I sliced into my hand when I was cooking and they had to put stitches in. But see – smooth. So why do you still have yours?”

Roger tries to think of an explanation. “Maybe it was such a big moment in my life it couldn’t disappear?”

“Maybe”

******************************


	17. Chapter 17

One week later:

 

He manages to get through the interview, he’s better prepared for the questions although putting out the required lines on his marriage is hard. But Rene actually asks him quite a lot about the children, and that’s nice, there’s little distinction between him and RF there, even if he was much too casual about their maths.

Tony seems happy with it.

“Not bad. And now you’re officially retired. We need to talk about whether you still want me around.”

“I don’t understand”

“Well, you may not need a full-time manager any more. And you’ve been pretty clear about wanting to make your own decisions. I know we had plans but maybe you want to change them”

“Yes, but…” Think about it Roger. What do you want, RF would certainly have wanted him to stick around but that’s no reason to tell him to leave, could be you feel the same way.

“I’d like to carry on working with you. Maybe you don’t need to be full-time, we can discuss that. But I definitely still want you around”

Tony smiles and looks a little embarrassed “Thank you. We’ll talk later”

*********************************

There’s no immediate sign that Mirka wants to have some big discussion which is somewhat surprising. Perhaps Roger is slightly more relaxed now – or maybe she’s just giving him time to adjust to retirement. He has no idea if this a good thing or not – putting it off seems cowardly but he also knows he’s unlikely to get through it without an anxiety attack. Perhaps he will think about seeing the doctor after all. There is one thing he wants to ask her about though, even if he’s not sure how to phrase it.

“Mirka, this is going to sound like a strange question, but… do you remember the time I got this?” He holds up his arm.

“It’s not something I want to remember Roger but of course I do. Why do you want to talk about it though?”

“I’m not sure” This is complete guesswork but it sounds like they’ve never discussed it so it’s worth a try “I don’t know that I’ve ever asked you how you felt about it”.

“It was the most frightening experience of my life Roger, that’s all you need to know”

It isn’t, it really, really isn’t.

“Tell me exactly how it was, even the stuff I already know. Everything”

She shrugs, perhaps she just thinks it’s part of his general craziness these days.

“OK, it was after the Ancic match at Wimbledon, you’d really thought that was the tournament you were going to break through, you were devastated after you lost and you sent me and Peter away. Later I got a call from you at the hospital, you gave me that stupid story about falling on glass, I could tell it was a lie but I didn’t know what to do”

She pauses, Roger feels guilty because she looks so distressed but he absolutely needs to know this.

“I kept nagging at you to tell me what happened – I didn’t know if I should but I couldn’t bear not knowing and eventually you broke down and told me the truth”

Jesus

“You couldn’t get it off your mind, you wanted to quit, but I kept telling you - it won’t happen again, I won’t let it and eventually you seemed to get over it. You stopped talking about it anyway”

This is…how does he take this in? ….he needs to keep her talking.

“Mirka, what you must have put yourself through”

“You can’t imagine what it was like. I was never sure if I’d done the right thing”

“You made him…me…a champion – you can’t have any doubts surely?”

She looks at him. “You don’t understand. Even after you broke through there were still bad losses – I watched you in Australia – every time something happened I’d be terrified of what you might do – was I pushing you too hard – was it all just about making up for my own career – would you have been better off with a normal life, I always had these thoughts. Then after Paris and when the children came everything seemed OK, you were handling the losses, but these last months have been so hard. I was scared after I told you we couldn’t go on like this, I was hoping you’d forget about it ”

What does he say to this? What in God’s name does he say to this? It changes so much… but Mirka can’t be expected to understand that. Perhaps he can at least give her the explanation he’s worked out for his recent behaviour.

“Mirka, these last months – you deserve to know what’s been happening. I couldn’t tell you- I thought it was too hard for you – but the truth is, I like… I like men too and I can’t keep on living a lie.” It’s the second time he’s had to tell her this but it doesn’t make it easier.

She looks up and, strangely, she’s smiling.

“Is that all? Well, I know that, Roger, I’m not completely blind”

How many secrets were they keeping in this marriage?

“You knew? And you didn’t say?”

“I was hurt when I realised – I saw the way you were looking at guys - but you never said anything and I was scared of upsetting you. Like with everything. After a while I just assumed you were managing somehow – I was on the tour, I know what happens in locker rooms. Then you and Rafa were looking at each other like you couldn’t wait to get your hands – I really don’t want to know if that’s true by the way – but I guess by that time it was too late to say anything. It wasn’t like you were into other women – you just needed something I couldn’t give you. That was what I told myself anyway”

This isn’t how he’d imagined the discussion at all. But he can’t be a coward with his answer.

“Mirka, I’m…grateful…for what you did, you gave hi…me an amazing life, but we’re going to have to start being more honest with each other. I’m not the person who did that anymore. You watching me and worrying and being afraid to upset me in case I hurt myself – I can’t live with that. And you shouldn’t have to live in fear either. That can’t be the future for us.”

“There’s no going back to normal, is there?”

“No, I don’t think there is. I'm so sorry”

*************************************************


	18. Chapter 18

Two months later: Italy

The rented villa is comfortable but hardly luxurious. Roger smiles as he looks round the bedroom – Rafa seems unable to adjust to the fact that he can afford anything. Or maybe he just feels at home with simplicity.

“Rafa, some day I’m going to book a five star hotel for us just so you can see the difference”

“You’re becoming more like RF every day Roger” He knows he can say this now.

He doesn’t really feel much like RF- he thinks he was probably right when he said the distance was too great - but he’s no longer fighting him off. If they end up merging one day that’s OK.

“Do I have to do the talking bit now or can we have sex first?” It’s worth a try.

Rafa emerges from the bathroom and proceeds to squash all hope.

“Talk. It’s never the same on the phone. What Mirka told you – that makes a difference doesn’t it?”

Oh well. “Yes it does. I suppose….. just knowing he reached the bottom too…..but he had someone who pulled him up from it. It’s made things easier.”

“You’re not really thinking of playing on the Seniors tour are you?”

“Maybe. I’d like to feel a little bit of what it would have been like and I’m working hard – but I don’t know if I can get to a point where I won’t embarrass myself.” The pain of not knowing what it must really have been like will never go away but RF would soon be facing the loss of all that anyway, it might not have been easy for him either. “Tony still isn’t giving up on a match between us.”

“Tell him I’m not changing my mind.”

“I have. I don’t want it either. People got enough from us in our other lives.”

“So you’re working hard at tennis and putting in too many hours at work I expect. Roger, you’re looking better but still not 100%.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll cut back as soon as the new project is….”

“ _ROGER_ ……..”

“I know, but there’s so much we can achieve at the Foundation – I can’t waste the opportunities”

”You even look at a laptop while we’re here and I’m throwing it out of the window.”

“Stop it Rafa, you sound just like Tony. Have you been talking to him?”

“How is it with Mirka?”

  
The really hard bit, it’s difficult to discuss without feeling a shadow of returning anxiety. He hasn’t quite got round to contacting the therapist the doctor had recommended – he’ll do it once the new project is up and running. “I don’t know. I’m trying to be honest with her – as much as I can be –and I think she’s doing the same. It seems like that’s the first time it’s happened in either marriage. But there’s so many years we didn’t share and of course, there’s us. I don’t think I can avoid hurting her. I noticed you changing the subject, by the way”

“She knows about us?”

“I’ve told her I’m involved with someone but she hasn’t asked for a name. I’m sure she knows it’s you but I’m giving it time. Not forever though.”

“Mary’s the same, I think. She knows and doesn’t know”

“Maybe it’s always been that way”

“Better not to know. These are our lives now.”

“I wish they were a bit less complicated.” Like his old life, so blissfully free of any requests to talk about his feelings. But in his old life Rafa would have been just a casual fuck and there’s something nice about the fact he’s more than that. Still Roger needs to be honest with him. “I know we haven’t really discussed our future, I don’t want to assume anything about what you want, but Mirka,… Mary…. my kids, the press …. we aren’t going to be able to ignore all that are we?”

Rafa leaves the chair and settles beside him on the bed. “I don’t think we need to decide anything now, there’s no rush. You’re in my life and we both know that’s not going to change. There can be many ways we live our lives.” Then he’s kissing him and as always, it feels perfect as it is and yet leaves him wanting more

“Can we finish the talking now?”

“I think we can”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was difficult to end the story - I wanted readers to find it satisfying but didn't want to have everything wrapped up too neatly. I really just wanted Roger to be in a place where he could move forward. Hope people find it balanced.  
> I've tried throughout the story to let readers make their own interpretations on the story but if anyone wants to know my own feelings on stuff (will they live happily ever after???) then just leave a comment and I'll give my opinion.
> 
> Had intended the story to finish up in Prague but realised they'd never be able to leave the hotel room. So I've put them in a nice private villa somewhere in Italy.


End file.
